Day 31 Spots!

1.Spots:

Many teenager's lives can be plagued by spots and acne. It can really get them down. If they are washing properly and eating a good diet and the problem persists it may be advisable for them to consult their GP. Treatment can vary from individual to individual but your GP can help your teenager to find the most effective treatment for them.

It is important to remember that while spots can seem unimportant and trivial to you, your teenager may see things differently. Listen to their concerns and take them seriously. If they feel that their concerns are being dismissed they are likely to withdraw and they may not trust you with their concerns in future.

There are many myths associated with acne and the possible causes. It is helpful to inform yourself of the facts and the NHS website can be a valuable source of information on this subject:

http://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/skin/Pages/Acne.aspx

                                        is their appearance getting your teen down?

30 Balance

30. Balance:

Achieving balance in life is important whatever your age. If your teenager stays up late every night their health and school work is likely to suffer while the occasional late night is unlikely to be a cause for concern. The key is to build a relationship with your teen based on good communication. If you do this you will be in the best position to point out when you feel that your teenager's life is becoming unbalanced. It is important to model a balanced life yourself. As parents and carers we can become absorbed in particular areas of life and our teenager will be quick to notice this. Some parents are workaholics for example. This can create resentment from their teenager as they may feel neglected.

The most important gift you can give your teenager is your time. They may well appreciate the lovely gifts that you can afford to buy them when you work over-time but if this means that they hardly get to see you, family life becomes unbalanced and can start to suffer.

During times of economic struggle it is totally understandable that parents and carers focus on earning enough money to pay the bills. If you do have to be out at work a lot, remember that when you are with your teen, try to focus fully on them. Remember that the quality of the time spent with your teen is even more important than the quantity of time spent with them.

If you make time for them and truly listen to them when you are with them they are likely to feel supported and loved.

If you model living a balanced life where you eat a reasonable diet, get enough sleep and achieve a good work-life balance the chances are that your teenager will see the benefits and try it for themselves.

                                      Get plenty of sleep!

Day 29 Peer Pressure

29. Peer Pressure:

The teenage years are a time where peers tend to have more influence that you do. This can be a real shock to the system, particularly if you have always enjoyed a good relationship with your teen and you have previously been influential in your teenager's life. At this age they are starting to be influenced by their friends. If their friends are experimenting with drugs and alcohol, for example, there is a risk that they may do the same. If this should happen, make sure you stick to the facts. You may have concerns but only share them when you know what you are really dealing with. There is nothing worse than being falsely accused of doing something you haven't done.

Try and get to know your teenager's friends. If they are willing to come round and meet you, this is a good sign. If you are able to communicate with them they are more likely to respect your wishes. Depending on the age of your teen you may be able to make connections with your teenager's friends, parents or carers. If you get to know and trust them, you may be able to work with them to help keep your teen safe.

If you continue to communicate with your teen through the rather challenging teenage years, your relationship is likely to grow and strengthen.

If your teen is used to you listening to them, they are more likely to share their concerns with you if they are worried about the behaviour of their friends.

                                                      Are their friends a bad influence?

Day 28 Lonelieness

28. Loneliness:

Everyone gets lonely sometimes and the teen years can be particularly isolating and lonely for some. Try and keep communicating with your teen so that they know they are not alone, that you are there for them always.

They may share with you that they are lonely at school and that they have difficulty making friends.

This can be hard to understand if prior to this your child had no difficulty making friends and you never had this difficulty yourself.

It is important not to dismiss your teenager's concerns. If they feel that you are not taking their concerns seriously they are likely to withdraw and become further isolated. Listen to their fears. If they feel heard they are more likely to heed your advice and accept your support.

MIND is a very useful organisation to consult for further insights into loneliness and what you can do about it.

http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/tips-for-everyday-living/loneliness/#.VmRllK4hGb4

Day 27 Diet

27. Diet:

Diet can really make a difference to well-being and health. A lot of people experiment with diet in the teenage years. I became vegetarian when I was 16 and have remained so ever since. Others try it and then return to eating meat.

If your teenager experiments with diet it is important to be well informed. Demanding that they eat certain food is unlikely to work well. It is better to point out the importance of getting the right balance of vitamins and minerals. 

If your teen eats a balanced diet they are unlikely to come to any harm.

Some teenagers neglect their health refusing to eat balanced meals and eating junk food and snacks instead. This can really be a source of concern for many families. As with anything, it is important to remain calm.  Listen to your teenager and make sure that you stick to facts rather than letting your feelings get in the way.

Providing they are eating enough food they will be fine.

Some teenagers miss meals to try and lose weight and this can become a real worry for families. 

Again, it is vital that you don't nag or over-react. Some teens will go on a fad diet that lasts a few days before returning to a normal diet, for example.

To ensure your teenager is aware of the facts it can be helpful to encourage them to visit NHS choices.

http://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/Goodfood/Pages/healthy-eating-teens.aspx

This provides useful advice and support and may be better received via a website than via concerned parents and carers.

If you are seriously concerned about your teenager's diet it may be advisable to consult your GP for medical advice and support.

Day 26 Fears

26. Fears:

Teenagers may not let you know this but they often worry. They are afraid of the future, concerned that something bad will happen to them or their loved ones. The amazing thing is that they do not always realise that you have fears too. We often try to shield out loved ones from our fears which is perfectly understandable but if they do not know that you have fears too they can start to feel inadequate.

While it is important that we don't overwhelm our teenagers with our worries it is important that they know that it is normal to have fear and that it is how you deal with it that counts.

When something frightening happens in the world such as a terrorist attack or a natural disaster it is tempting to dismiss our fears and pretend that everything is OK but our teenagers watch us carefully. If we say we are not afraid but behave in a way that suggests we are not telling the truth, this can be far more worrying for your teenager than being honest about your fears.

It is good to be honest, to acknowledge when you are worried about things but that you are keeping your fears in perspective. If you are well informed and factual you are likely to reassure your teen that they do not need to be unduly worried about specific incidents. If you are very worried about something and you decide to take action to reduce the risk, these actions can reassure your teenager.

If your teenager knows that they can share their fears with you and that you will not belittle or judge them, they are likely to feel reassured.

If you live in the present it is much easier to reduce fears when when you overly focus on things that have gone wrong in the past or may go wrong in the future. You can introduce your teenager to mindfulness practises such as meditation.

There are guided meditations available on-line that can really help:

http://mindfulnessforteens.com/guided-meditations/

There are even adult colouring books on the market that are becoming increasingly popular. They can really help people to reduce fears by encouraging us to be present.

http://www.tut.com/tutshop/index.php/funstuff/notes-from-the-universe-coloring-book.html

Day 25 Home School

25. Home School:

Some teenagers do not cope well with school and the decision is taken for them to be educated at home. Sometimes they have experienced bullying and intimidation and they feel that they cannot face going into school. Some teenagers are educated at home during periods of ill health.

The quality of the experience can vary enormously. Some parents and carers are very knowledgeable about learning styles and provide their teenager with a rich learning experience while others find educating their teenager at home a real challenge.

There is useful support available on sites such as:

http://www.home-education.org.uk/

One of the key areas of difficulty is ensuring that your teen is given opportunities to mix with their peers or they can end up feeling somewhat isolated. Social networking can be very useful to help them combat loneliness. There are also some out of school clubs and activities that they can join so that they are not socially isolated.

Another area of challenge can be deciding which exams your teen will sit and ensuring that there is a suitable centre that is willing to allow your teen to sit the exams. If you are thinking of educating your teen at home, your local authority will make contact to ensure that your child is receiving appropriate education. They can also offer advice and answer some of the questions you might have.

Home education is not a decision to be taken lightly but it can be an excellent alternative for some teens.

                                              Home schooling can be inspiring!

Day 24 School

24. School:

School can be hard for teenagers. Some thrive at school and achieve a lot, while others find it very difficult as they struggle with their studies and their peers. Sometimes they enjoy school until joining Secondary School and then find it hard to adjust to a new and larger environment.

Some teenagers hate school so much that they truant. This can be very worrying and upsetting for parents and carers.

If a teen finds school hard it is likely that they will experience difficulties that are noticed by school staff and they may well contact you to share their concerns. This can be a worrying time for parents and carers, particularly if their child never used to have problems at school.

Listen to what the school is saying to you and listen carefully to your teen. If they feel that you will listen carefully to them they are more likely to confide what the problem is.

Difficulties can range from the work being too difficult for them to complete to problems with peers.

Once you have all the information, you are in the best position to support your teen. Consult their teachers, listen to them and agree the way forward.

Work with the school and keep communicating with your child so that you are aware of what is going on. Celebrate successes and be patient with failure. Providing your teen is trying their best to cope with school, they should be praised.

                                              Problems with peers?

Day 23 a day early! Self-Esteem

23. Self- Esteem:

Teenagers can have a very delicate self-esteem. Self esteem is how we value ourselves. It is also about how we feel we are regarded by others. Our society can disapprove of people speaking too highly of themselves, so may teenagers find it much easier to dwell on their shortcomings than focus on their strong points.

As teenagers grow it is important to continually boost their self esteem by noticing the positive things they do and to praise them for this. If you do this regularly enough they will start to feel more positive about themselves.

If you notice tiny details and point out the things they do well, they are more likely to be able to see good in themselves and others. It is always best to offer far more praise than criticism when communicating with teenagers. Most teenagers are prepared for criticism. They listen to all the negative things you say about them and absorb them on a deep level. They find it far harder to focus on the positives and so it is vitally important that you are more often positive than negative feedback when communicating with your teen.  

                                               Focus on the positive!

Day 22 Body Image

22. Body Image:

The teenage years can be very challenging for many. It is a time where they wish to appeal to others and yet many are covered in spots and feel socially awkward. They are faced with TV and magazine adverts where people are airbrushed and appear flawless which can leave them feeling less confident still.

Some teenagers turn to comfort food and use snacks to help them feel better and this can lead to them gaining weight. Some experiment with alcohol and drugs to help them block out their feelings of inadequacy.

If you can keep talking to your teenager and point out their good points you will do a lot to boost their confidence. Make sure that you praise them mainly for things that are not associated with their looks so that they realise that there are many more important things besides appearance. Teach them that true beauty comes from within and that the way you look on the outside is not as important as the inner strengths that you possess.

Encouraging your teen to eat healthily will help them combat skin problems. Drinking water is also very good for skin and general health.

 It is also helpful to model that while you do take pride in your appearance that you value other things more. Teenagers are very impressionable and will watch you closely to see if you 'practise what you preach. '

Day 21 Failure

21. Failure:

It can be very hard to deal with failure. When your teenager tries at something and fails they are likely to feel disappointed. Learning how to deal with failure is an important life skill.

You can model coping with failure by not hiding your failures from them. My teenagers celebrated when I finally passed my driving test after I failed several times. They were able to watch how I picked myself up and re-booked my test, refusing to give up until I succeeded.

It is said that there is 'no failure, only feedback.'

I think this is a great way of looking at things.

If you never try anything challenging you may not experience failure but you are also unlikely to move forward.

To really live the life of your dreams you need to risk failure in order to achieve your goals. Praise your teenager when they put themselves forward and try something new. They will grow in resilience when they work at their dreams.

                                     Look out for that silver lining!

day 20 Direction

20. Direction:

Some teens seem to know from an early age what they want to do with their lives. They may have a talent and wish to develop this talent into a career, for example. They may be good at sport and decide to become a coach or trainer. They may be good at languages and decide to travel and put their language skills to good use.

Other teenagers find it very hard to decide what they wish to do when they leave school. This can be worrying for parents and carers as they are all too aware that if you apply for many jobs you face a lot of competition. Employers favour knowledgeable and confident individuals.

Some teens want to be one thing one minute and then change their mind and change direction.

Some teens cannot decide which options to take up at school so are unsure which qualifications to study.

You can help your teen by listening to them and by finding out from local experts what is available in your area. You can encourage your teen to attend job fairs and you can ask the school if they have any careers advice to offer.

There are useful websites that can help your teen to decide on what direction they wish to head in.

http://www.careersadviceforparents.org/p/choosing-career-paths.html

The key is to remember that if they try one direction and it turns out to be wrong for them it is never too late to choose a new path. Ensure you continue to listen to your teen and they are likely to let you know if they need support in making big decisions like this. Knowing that they have you to rely on will help them to feel a lot more confident when they need to make key life-choices.

                                                'What shall I be when I grow up?'

Day 19 Sibling Rivalry

19. Sibling Rivalry:

Sibling Rivalry can be a real area of tension in families. Some siblings feel hard done by as they believe their sibling is favoured by their parents or carers. A good way to combat this is to celebrate their uniqueness. Each child will have unique skills and talents and this should be acknowledged from an early age. If a teen knows their achievements will be celebrated as well as those of their sibling, they are more likely to accept it when their sibling receives praise.

Winning and losing is something we all learn to live with. Being competitive is part and parcel of our society.

We can't all be good at everything and therefore teenagers do need to realise this.

Don't hold back on recognising the achievements of others so that your teenager grows to accept this. Providing you make a point of praising their achievements and recognising their talents they are more likely to accept and even celebrate the achievements of others themselves. This is a good quality to foster. If your teen learns how to recognise and celebrate achievements experienced by themselves and others they are likely to become a well balanced individual.

                                           certainly some rivalry here!

Day 18 Lying

18. Lying:

At times we all cover up the truth or tell 'a white lie.' When we find out that our teen is lying to us this can be very upsetting and it can lead to many unpleasant confrontations. As you bring up your teen, it is important that you emphasise the importance of telling the truth. If your teen is willing to tell the truth they should be given credit for this. If you are able to communicate the importance of being truthful, life should run more smoothly. It is also important to model being truthful. Teenagers do not respond well to their parents or carers being hypocritical by criticising them for lying while they cover up the truth themselves.

Being honest and truthful with your teen and expecting them to tell the truth is a good approach to adopt. It can be difficult at times, particularly when telling the truth can lead to upsetting people.

If your teen lies to you, there should be consequences. Being truthful is the key to effective communication and your teen needs to realise this. If they lie to you, rather than getting angry, try to calmly remind them of the dangers of lying to their parents and ensure that a pre-agreed sanction is applied. Praise all attempts to tell the truth even when it is hard, particularly when it is hard.

'Did you eat the mouse?'

Day 17 ( for Sunday) Breaking Rules

17. Breaking Rules:

I am posting this a day early as I am out and about this weekend. 

(If you enjoy reading these posts and think you know someone who might appreciate them, you are very welcome to share them. )

The teen years are often associated with rebellion and rule breaking. When we think back to our teen years, many of us can recall refusing to conform with what was expected of us. The degree to which we rebel varies greatly. Many of us tend to conform more as we get older and it can be hard to remember the time when we too questioned the status-quo and refused to 'follow the pack.'

Some rule breaking is less serious than others. It is important to remember this when your teen starts to challenge the rules. Decide on what is important and stick to that. Try not to 'major on the minors.' Try to insist that rules that are designed to protect health and safety are protected even if you sometimes let other rules slide.

It can be very upsetting if you have enjoyed a strong relationship with your child and then suddenly they start questioning you and refusing to do what you say. This is actually a stage of development experienced to a lesser or greater degree by all families. As teens get older they feel the need to separate from their parents in order to establish their own identity. Remain calm and stick to the essential rules. Make sure your teen knows the consequence of their actions. If they deliberately break a rule they should know what sanction will be applied. That way they know where they stand.

They may appear to resent you for maintaining safety rules but at least they will know that you care about them and are determined to keep them safe.

If you are too permissive or you are inconsistent in your behaviour, teenagers can find it hard to know where the boundaries are and this can make them feel insecure.

                                        Ollie was and is a rebel. That's part of his charm!

Day 16 Communication

16. Communication:

Communication is key. Whatever the problem, if you can talk about it you will greatly improve your chances of improving the situation. It can be all too easy to lose your temper and to say things that you later regret when you find yourself in a difficult situation. At these times it is essential that you remain as calm as possible and move away from the situation if at all possible so that you can gain control of your feelings. Talk to your teen about what concerns you and make sure that you give them the opportunity to share their point of view.

You may not agree with what they say but if they know that you are really willing to listen to their point of view they are much more likely to respond positively to what you have to say.

You may not agree with them but you can let them know that you are pleased that they have managed to communicate their views with you in an appropriate way.

In life, if we feel listened to, we are much more willing to listen.

If you do get angry and lose your temper don't be afraid to admit your mistake and apologise. This won't lead to you losing face. It is more likely that they will respect your honesty.

Equally if your child loses their temper and says something in anger, try to forgive them when they seek forgiveness. We all make mistakes and providing we learn from them, that's OK.

If you can keep the lines of communication open, you are in a good position to help and support your teen through life.

Day 15 Sexuality

15. Sexuality:

As teens grow, they start to explore their sexuality. They start to explore sex and relationships with others. Some teenagers discover they are gay, some are straight while others try sex with both sexes. This can be a real source of concern for parents and carers.

The key, once again, is to listen to your teen. Try to understand their point of view and make sure that you are not overly judgemental or you risk alienating and isolating them.

Try and keep the lines of communication open and then you can help your teen to stay safe and happy.

You can share your concerns with them if you feel they are putting themselves at risk and let them  know they can talk to you. If you truly listen to them they are much more likely to listen to you when you have valid concerns.

A very useful site to find out more about orientation and sexuality is:

http://kidshealth.org/teen/sexual_health/guys/sexual_orientation.html

It will help you to put things in perspective and to be well informed.  

Day 14 Dating

14. Dating:

Dating is an area of concern for some families. These days a lot of people join on-line dating sites to meet new people. They go on Blind Dates and this can be a real source of anxiety for parents and carers.

Equally, single parents also experience on-line dating and go on Blind Dates to meet new people and this can upset their teens.

If at all possible, it is best for teens, parents and carers to share their concerns with one another. If everyone knows what is going on this helps to keep everyone safe. If your teen is meeting someone new and you know where they are and when they should be back, you are in a good position to help them if they don 't come home when they say they will. Equally if members of the family know when you are out on a date they can raise the alarm if you get into difficulty.

It can be hard for parents and carers to accept that their teens are old enough to start dating. Teens can feel very upset when their parents split up and start dating other people.

The key is to consider the feelings of all concerned.

If you have a teen at home and have started dating again it is important to consider their feelings. Make sure they are kept informed when you meet someone special and allow them to meet your new girlfriend or boyfriend. The right person will make sure they are sensitive to your teen.

Equally, if your teen starts dating, encourage them to invite their boyfriend or girlfriend round from time to time. That way you can get to know them. If they are willing to meet you, this is a good sign. Be polite to them and build a relationship with them if at all possible.

Dating can be fun!

Day 13 Fights

13. Fights:

Some teenagers have a tendency to pick fights with others. These fights can be verbal, physical or a combination of both. They can get into fights with friends, family and even complete strangers.

This can be a huge source of worry for parents and carers.

Again it is important not to jump to conclusions. Share any concerns that you have with your teen when all is calm. Listen to them and make sure you have the facts before expressing your opinion.

Bullying takes many forms and can really make life unpleasant for the victim.

When you hear that your child has been involved in fighting with or bullying another person either physically or emotionally, this can be very upsetting. It is important to listen to your child and hear their reasons as it may be that they are also being bullied or intimidated.

Once you have the facts it is important that you share your opinion honestly with your teen. Let them know when you think they have acted wrongly and provide them with the opportunity to make amends.

If your teen is persistently aggressive to others it is important that you challenge this. Communicate clearly and explain the consequences of their actions.

If a young teen gets a police record for violence, they could compromise their future chances, for example.

You can seek help and advice on-line by visiting sites such as:

http://www.familylives.org.uk/advice/teenagers/behaviour/teen-violence-at-home/

If your teen is persistently violent towards you then the police can be contacted for help and advice.

Remember that teenagers are affected by life experiences. If they experience violence in their lives they are more likely to resort to violence themselves.

Counselling and other support is available to help with this. Talk to your GP to find out what is available in your local area.

                                           Does your teen pick fights?

Day 12~ Step-Parents

12. Step-Parents:

Sometimes teenagers get on well with their step-parents but at other times this relationship can be very tense. Things are more likely to go well when all parents communicate well and share the same views when it comes to bringing up teens.

If the absent parents holds a different view from the parent the teen lives with, this can be a source of conflict.

In an ideal world the birth parents maintain a good relationship and ensure they provide a united response to their children even after splitting up.

Step-parents may have different views on child rearing than either birth parent. This can be a real source of tension in families.

As with any difficult situation, communication is key.

Where possible, parents and step-parents should get together and compromise so that they can present a united message to the teen. Where this is not possible it is helpful if the step-parent respects the view of the birth parents even if they do not entirely agree with them.

If the parent and the step-parent are divided, the teen can exploit this by going to the more lenient person when asking for permission to do things.

If you are a step-parent it can be very helpful to listen to the teen but tell them that you will need to consult their parent before making a decision. Once a teen realises that they can't 'divide and rule' the parents, they are more likely to communicate more effectively with them.

It can be very hard for the step-parent to to stand by and watch the teen criticising or being unkind to their partner and it can be tempting to step in with a statement like, 'Don't talk to your mother/father like that!'

While this response is understandable it is unlikely to be effective and you are likely to make the situation worse.

The best course of action is to ask your partner how you can support them. You can also try and maintain a positive relationship with your step-child. Listen to them and try and understand their point of view. That way they are likely to respect you and be more willing to ask for your advice and support.

The road can be long and hard!

Day 11 Sex

11. Sex:

Sex is one of the main sources of conflict in families. Some families have strict rules about sex before marriage that aren't necessarily shared by their teens.

Parents and carers also worry that their teen may be exploited by another person or that they may put themselves at risk of pregnancy or sexual infection. These concerns may well be valid but it is important that parents and carers approach the situation in a way that is likely to be well received, if they are to be effective.

Choose a time to discuss your concerns with your teen when you are both feeling calm. Make sure you don't jump to conclusions. Just because you think your teen may be taking risks you may be wrong. Stick to the facts and make sure you listen to what they have to say.

If you do not approve of sex before marriage and do not condone this in your home, you have every right to insist that your teen sleeps separately from their boyfriend or girlfriend in your home but be aware that they may not honour your wishes when they are away from the house.

Try and ensure that you are well informed and know where your teen can go for advice on contraception if they are in a sexual relationship.

The NHS offers an informative website that they can go to to find out what choices they have regarding contraception.

http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/contraception-guide/Pages/contraception.aspx

Keep the lines of communication open. Listen to them and they are far more likely to listen to you when you have something important to say.

This issue can be more concerning if your teen is below the age of consent, particularly if their partner is over 18.

'Think U Know' is a very useful website that deals with this issue. It is important that you and your teen know the legal situation when approaching this subject.

Day 10 Money

10. Money:

Money can become a major area of tension in family life. Many people experience financial hardship and they can spend a lot of time worrying about their finances. This can greatly affect teenagers. They may have friends who come from wealthy families and so find it hard to accept that money is tight in their own home. They might crave the latest clothes and gadgets believing that this will guarantee the approval of their friends.

Some parents and carers are not motivated by material things and find it hard to accept that their teen is. Equally some teens reject materialism while their parents or carers strive to have the best of everything.

Parents and carers can argue about money and this can cause tension in the home.

Whatever your financial situation, it is often best to be honest with your teenager as they take in their surroundings and listen to what is going on around them.

It can be hard to strike a balance between being honest about your financial situation and worrying them unnecessarily.

Some families provide their teens with regular pocket money. Some attach conditions and expect their teen to earn pocket money while others provide it freely. Whatever your approach it is best to be calm, clear, fair and consistent.

The aim is to teach your teen to appreciate what they do have and not take it for granted. It can be beneficial to encourage them to use some of their money to buy small gifts for others so that they can experience the pleasure of giving as well as receiving.

Giving small gifts to friends, family and pets can teach your teen the joy of giving.

Day 9 Moodiness

9. Moodiness:

As teenagers grow they are affected by many hormonal changes as they develop and this can be quite frightening for them. It is understandable that at these times their behaviour can be moody and unpredictable. We should bear this in mind when teens seem rather grumpy and uncommunicative. The highs and lows can be extreme. Try to be sympathetic and remind them how much you care about them. Encourage them to share their problems with you so that you are in a position to advise and support them when they need it.

Sometimes the highs and lows can be a cause for concern. This can turn into a medical problem with teenagers experiencing anxiety and depression.

If you are worried about your teen and the problem sees to be persisting it is useful to consult relevant agencies for support.

Very helpful on-line support is available. One such site is:

http://www.helpguide.org/articles/depression/teen-depression-signs-help.htm

It provides useful information including a Teenager's Guide To Depression.

If your teen needs help then a good place to start would be encouraging them to visit their GP. They may agree to go on their own or ask you to come with them. Doctors are usually willing to allow parents and carers to attend appointments providing the patient has given permission for this. They will explore various treatments and aim to find the most appropriate approach for their patient.

The most important thing that you can do when supporting your teen is to remind them how much you care about them. Encourage them to talk to you and make sure that you make time to listen to them fully.

After surviving depression many victims say that while they did not appear responsive or appreciative at the time, the fact that their loved ones were always willing to listen to them helped them to feel heard and cared about. This more than anything, helped them to recover.

                                                       Everyone feels grumpy sometimes!

Day 8 Phone Bills

8. Phone Bills:

Another frequent area of tension is that of using the phone. Many teens use their parents and carer's land-line and run up huge bills. Other children are given a mobile phone so that parents can communicate with them in an emergency situation. They often fail to answer the phone when their parents and carers call and sometimes exceed their contract limit. This causes them to run up large bills which their parents have to pay.

Parents and carers sometimes combat this by applying a pin number to their home phone which prevents their teen from making unauthorised calls. 

Teens sometimes reverse the charges when phoning their parents for a lift once they have exceeded the calls allowed on their mobile phone contract. This can create a dilemma for parents and carers. If they refuse the reversed charges they run the risk of ignoring their teen when they are in a dangerous situation so they usually accept the charges only to find that the call was not urgent. This runs up their bill still further.

In this situation it is best to remain calm and to make your expectations clear. Your child has been given a phone so that they can be contacted in an emergency and so if they fail to answer the phone there should be consequences. These could include being told that they must return home early from a social event such as a future party or concert.

Every time they use the land-line without permission there will also be consequences which can include loss of pocket money or other privileges.

It is very difficult to remain calm when facing a huge phone bill but try to manage this situation in such a way that your child learns for the experience and makes an effort to do better next time. 

Sometimes teens act like Ollie, jumping about without a care in the world while you struggle to pay the bills!

Day 7 Tidying up

7. Tidying Up:

One of the main arguments teens have with their parents and carers is around keeping the home tidy. The arguments can range from tension over an untidy bedroom to complaints when possessions are left draped all over the house.

These arguments can be one of the main sources of conflict in the family home. Parents and carers can feel that their teen is showing laziness by being untidy and that they show lack of respect for them as well as lack of appreciation for their possessions by leaving them lying around.

The best way of tackling this issue is to decide on the areas that are negotiable and the areas that are non- negotiable. For example, you may be prepared to let your teen leave things lying around in their bedroom but not in the communal areas of the house.

You may choose to prioritise health and safety by insisting that old scraps of food are disposed of and the washing up is done but you may be prepared to ignore clothes left lying around in their room.

It is important that your teen realises there are responsibilities as well as rights when it comes to family life.

When a child is very young, everything is done for them. When they leave home they need to do everything for themselves. At some point they need to start taking some responsibility for themselves so that they can develop independent living skills.

It is helpful if every child is able to help with house work. That way they learn to appreciate all the things that their parents and carers do for them as well as develop necessary skills for the future.

Once you have decided on your priorities, you need to communicate them clearly to your teen. You can explain the areas that are non-negotiable and insist that your teen complies. Your teen needs to know the consequences of failing to comply with your expectations. Any sanctions should be clear and reasonable and you should be prepared to follow them through.

Not that these guys do much tidying up!

Day 6 Studies:

6. Studies:

One of the biggest areas of tension between parents/carers and their teen is the area of homework. Parents/ carers understandably want their children to do well at school as they feel that this increases the likelihood of them getting good jobs and a comfortable future. Their teen may be less enthusiastic about their studies. Homework can be very dull and repetitive. It competes against other more interesting pastimes such as going out, communicating with friends via social media and playing computer games.

The most effective way forward is to discuss the issue with your teen at a time when you are both feeling calm and communicative. Be honest with them, explain why you think homework is so important and listen to their objections. It will be possible to negotiate a fair compromise with them once you know what they would rather be doing. It may be that you can agree that they will work hard and without distraction for an agreed amount of time on certain days a week and in return for them applying themselves, they can have an agreed number of days off from homework.

It can be effective to offer them incentives such as extra pocket money for positive school reports and it can also be beneficial to link the receipt of pocket money to the successful completion of homework.

If you find that your teen remains resistant to completing homework, it is important to check that the homework isn't too difficult for them. Sometimes teens refuse homework because they do not understand the task. If this is the case you can communicate with their teacher and explain the difficulty so that they are provided with tasks that they are capable of completing.

Once you are certain that the work is achievable then you can set your expectations. Let your teen know how much work you expect them to do and stick to it. You can provide incentives that encourage them to complete the work as well as sanctions if they fail to do so.

If you remain calm and firm they are likely to realise that they need to complete the work. If you keep changing your mind then they will be able to exploit this and fail to complete the work agreed.

Striking the balance with homework can feel a but like riding a roller coaster!

Day 5 Unreliable Friends!

5. Unreliable Friends:

Teenagers are often highly influenced by their friends. This can please parents and carers if they approve of the behaviour of their friends but can cause problems if parents and carers believe that their teenager is being 'led off-course' by them.

Parents and carers worry that their teen may end up mixing with 'the wrong crowd.'

Some groups of teens can end up with quite a reputation of law-breaking or rowdy behaviour and parents and carers can become very concerned when they discover their teenager hangs-out with them.

It is important to check the facts. When you hear something, how do you know that it is true?

There is nothing worse then confronting your teen only to find out that the rumours were not true and your teen has just been accused by you of doing something that they haven't done.

Once you have the facts it is always helpful to talk to you teen about your concerns. Make sure you choose the right moment to bring up the subject. If you and your teen are feeling calm prior to your conversation you have a far greater chance of an effective communication with them but if either of you are feeling tense or distracted in the first place then the chances of you communicating effectively are slim.

It is best so be honest, to let them know of your concerns and then listen carefully to what they say. If you remain calm when they are speaking and fully listen to them they are more likely to trust you with the truth and then you will be in the best possible situation to decide what action needs to be taken.

Once you have fully listened to your teen it is your turn to let them know your concerns and any action that you have decided to take.

Depending on the reaction of your teen you will be able to decide on the best course of action. Providing you come across to them as fair and reasonable they are likely to respect what you have to say even if they don't actually say so.

Once the lines of communication have been opened regarding your concerns it is important that you continue to offer your teen feedback at the right time and in the right place.

Continue to assess the situation and let your teen know your worries and concerns.

Praise them when they comply with your wishes and follow through with any sanctions that you have agreed if they don't comply.

Teenagers respond well to the certainty that you will follow through with any sanctions you have agreed.

Are they getting in with the 'wrong crowd?'

Day 4 Smoking

Smoking:

Have you ever smoked? Do you smoke now? Do you like smoking now or do you wish that you could stop?

I know that this section is supposed to be discussing issues around teenagers smoking but your attitude and habits around smoking are very likely to influence your teenager.

Despite what many of them say, they do tend to admire their parents and carers and seek their approval. As a result of this they watch parents and carers closely as well as listening to what they say. If you say one thing and do another they are likely to become somewhat confused.

If you enjoy smoking but do not wish your child to smoke you will need to calmly discuss the advantages and disadvantages of smoking with them. If anyone does smoke they do so for a variety of reasons and the smoking must serve the in some way for them to continue with the habit.

The NHS in UK offers a useful and clear website that gives good reasons for teens to quit smoking as well as suggesting ways to do it:

http://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/smoking/Pages/Teensmokersquit.aspx

If you help your teenager to access the facts and then make their own mind up, you are more likely to be able to positively influence them.

If you are anti-smoking and you find that your teenager is smoking, it can be hard to remain calm but the more reasonably you can discuss the subject with your teenager, the more likely they are to listen and respond positively to you.

It is likely that a lot of their peers smoke and this is likely to influence their behaviour.

It is important to discuss your attitudes to smoking with your partner if you have one. It may be that you have similar views or your views may differ greatly. Try and establish a compromise so that you can discuss the issue with your teenager in a united way.

Discuss the issue of smoking at a time when all is calm and then you are more likely to make progress.

Agree some fair and reasonable house rules and have agreed consequences for rule breaking. It may be that you give your teenager pocket money but if you discover them smoking you will stop their pocket money for an agreed period of time.

I have said it before but it is worth repeating that it is not the severity of a consequence that causes impact but the certainty that the consequence will be followed through.

Try and avoid 'locking horns!'

Disclaimer

I have written this blog with the intention of being helpful and supportive to parents and carers as they bring up their teenagers. I do not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any techniques as a form of treatment for physical, emotional or medical problems without the use of a physician, either directly or indirectly. My intent is to offer you information of a general nature to help you as you parents your teen.
You are responsible for any decisions that you make.

Because of the dynamic nature of the internet, any web addresses or links contained in this blog may have changed since publication. I will attempt to update web addresses as they change.
If you do notice a web-link that is not working it would be very helpful if you could send me a message to let me know so that I can update the information.
Thanks for your help with this.

Day 3 Drugs

3. Drugs:

Drugs are an area where it is crucial that you have accurate knowledge before wading in.

The drug scene has changed over time and drugs that used to be popular when you were young may be less so now, particularly as new drugs are being introduced as 'legal highs' as soon as others are banned.

'Talk To Frank' is an excellent website which offers up to date information and good advice if you are worried that your teen may be taking drugs.

It is important to examine and question your own attitude to drugs before bringing the subject with your teen. This is particularly important if you are part of a couple as your attitudes to drugs may vary from that of your partner.

If you cannot agree on the approach to take regarding drugs then your teenager is likely to be confused or may operate a 'divide and rule' approach. They may exploit your difference of opinion to their advantage.

It may be that you have quite a relaxed attitude to drug taking while your partner has not. If this is the case then start by discussing your views with your partner until you can find a compromise that will enable you to present a united front when speaking with your teen.

It may be that your partner shares your views but family and friends do not.

When it comes to something like this it is important that you think carefully about your own approach to drugs and then it will be possible to agree a set of house rules that everyone abides by.

Your teen may have friends whose parents or carers have a different approach to drugs than your own. They may be more or less tolerant than you.

Parents hear all kinds of scare stories about teens who take a drug once and then die. While this is a possibility and is extremely tragic when it does happen, many teenagers experiment with drugs. Of these only a small percentage go on to be a regular drug user so if you do suspect your child is experimenting with drugs it is important to remain calm and keep things in perspective.

If you have an open and honest relationship with your teen where you feel able to discuss things, it would be good to be straight with them and bring up the subject calmly.

Again it can be possible to bring up the subject after watching a programme featuring a character who has a drug problem. You know your child, so are likely to know when they are most likely to be responsive. They are unlikely to respond positively if you bring up the subject in front of their friends, for example.

It is important to be aware of the health risks associated with taking drugs as well as being aware of the legal situation.

If your child receives a drug conviction they may find they are not permitted to enter certain countries including the USA, for example.

Life is all about making choices. The parent and carers role is to advise and support but ultimately the child will decide what advice to take and what to ignore.

It is also important to 'practise what you preach.' If you take drugs yourself it is likely that your teenager will ignore your demands that they remain drug-free.

If you have established house rules around drug-taking such as 'this house is a drug free zone so no-one is permitted to take illegal drugs in it' you need to agree suitable consequences for the breaking of this rule.

It is helpful to have discussed the rules and the consequences in advance and then if the rules are broken the agreed consequences should be followed through with calmly.

If you realise that your child has a serious drug problem and needs help it is important that you know where to look for help.

Again sites such as: http://www.talktofrank.com/ can be an invaluable source of advice and support.

The key to resolving this issue is communication. Whatever is happening, if you can keep the lines of communication open between you and your teen, you have the best chance of supporting them.

2. Alcohol

Alcohol is a very emotive subject. We all hold different views on alcohol. Some of us drink and others don't. Some don't feel the need to and others have quit for their own reasons, so when teenagers start drinking, parental reaction varies enormously.

Some parents and carers are relaxed about their teen having a drink or two while others might assume their teen is in danger if they come home after having had one drink.

It is important to make sure you have the facts before talking to your teen. You need to know what The Law says on the subject as well as the health risks and the myths.

There are useful books and websites on the subject that parents and carers can study before talking to their teens. 'Drinkaware' is one such site that can help you to be clear on the issues.

https://www.drinkaware.co.uk

Once you have the facts, it is important to look at your own attitudes and behaviour around drink as what you do will greatly influence your teen. If you have a problem with drinking your teen is likely to be aware of this so lecturing them is unlikely to have a positive impact. The 'do as I say but not as I do' approach is also unlikely to work.

Teens are much more likely to listen to you if you listen to them too. If you stick to the facts and keep calm, you are more likely to be able to get through to your teen.

Timing is also key. It is not a good idea to bring up the subject of drinking too much when either of you has had a drink as this is unlikely to lead to a reasoned discussion. It is more likely to escalate into an argument.

Try discussing the issue when both of you are in a relaxed mood. Sometimes a TV programme will cover the subject of drinking and then you can discuss the issues a fictional character is facing with your teen as this makes the subject a lot less emotive.

If either you or your teen has a drink problem it is important that you get help with this. Drinkaware helps you with this offering tips on how to cut down as well as information about how alcohol can affect your health, your finances and your family.

Coming Home Late!

1. Coming Home Late:

We are starting with this subject as it is one of the things that causes a lot of tension between parents, carers and teens. One of the most difficult things to cope with is when your teenager does not come back when they say they will.
Parents often feel a mix of anger and fear when this happens. What if something has happened to their child? Parents and carers often stay up, waiting and frantically worrying about their teen, hoping that they will come home safely.
When they do return the initial feeling is often relief but then the anger can start to kick in.
 If it seems that their teen is late for no good reason then the parent/carer is often left feeling furious that their child has ignored their rules.
When their child does come home, it is all too easy to jump straight into a row. The parent may kick things off with, “What time do you call this?” The scene is then set for a fierce argument. This only serves to upset everyone concerned.
Your teen may be tired or drunk at this point. They are unlikely to retain what you say to them.
 Stop for a moment, take a breath and ask yourself what do you want to achieve from your communication? If you really want your teen  to do as you ask, then shouting at them isn't likely to achieve this.
If your teen has come home late, try to calmly greet them, let them know they are rather late and that you have been worried. Tell them that you are relieved that they have come home safely then leave it at that. You could let them know that you will talk to them again in the morning and then go back to bed yourself.
 By doing this you avoid a row that is unlikely to achieve anything positive and you have time to calm down yourself and think about what you will say to them in the morning.
Ideally when you talk to your teen the next day, you will be able to get to the point where they realise the risk they have put themselves under and they may even be able to suggest an appropriate consequence for their actions.
The key is to avoid launching-in with a lecture and to start by greeting your child when they resurface the next day.  Talk to them in a normal way about everyday things before you raise the subject of lateness. This way they may bring up the matter themselves. They may even offer you an apology without you asking them to.
If this happens you are in a good position to ask them what they think the consequences should be for their late arrival. Most teenagers are fully aware of the dangers of being out late at night and can actually accept that their parents care for them so may well be worried about them.
If they do not offer an apology or raise the matter themselves then you do need to bring up the matter with them. Avoiding a row in the night does not mean glossing over  the issue the next day. If a teen knows there are consequences for lateness that will be followed through, they are unlikely to be late often. If a teen realises that they may get a lecture, a row and threats of consequences that are seldom followed through, they are unlikely to adapt their behaviour in the way you are asking them to. It is said that it is not the severity of a sanction but the certainty that it will be implemented that gives the sanction  power.
Once the subject has been raised, it would be helpful to start by asking them what happened. They may have a good reason for their lateness. You could start by saying you are relieved that they got home safely but that they were late, so you were awake and worried about them. At this point you could ask them what happened and then listen carefully to what they say. They may or may not tell the truth but there is little point in accusing them of lying and spending time dwelling on the matter. Once they have given their explanation, you can decide how responsible they were being. If they were late through no fault of their own you could discuss strategies to reduce the chances of this happening again. It may be that the last bus didn't turn up. In this case they could have phoned or texted to let you know. It may be that you could agree to give them emergency money for a taxi that must only be used for this purpose if they had transport problems again.
There could be a whole host of possible reasons for lateness.
If the explanations given do appear plausible then a positive way forward would be to discuss calmly with them possible solutions if a situation like this happened again.
If they were at fault then it could be appropriate to agree a consequence such as being asked to return home earlier next time.
In an ideal world the parent and teen will have discussed the dangers of being out late at night before the teen goes out for the first time and a discussion will have taken place about what to do in emergencies. They should also have agreed the consequences of coming home late. Perhaps if they are late one day they can't go out the next or if they are an hour later than agreed then they need to come home an hour earlier the next time. You will be able to decide what is right for your own situation.
If your child knew the consequences of their behaviour then it is important that you follow through with what has been agreed. This will encourage them to adapt their behaviour in future.
If you keep letting them off then they are  unlikely to take any agreed consequences seriously.
If they have suggested the consequence themselves, they are more likely to keep to your agreement.
One really good tip I heard was to have an alarm clock in the house set to the time agreed. The plan is that the parents can go to bed when they want  because the child will come home and turn off the alarm clock before it goes off. That way if the alarm clock does not go off the parents can sleep soundly knowing their teen is safe but if the alarm goes off they do need to get up and try and make contact with their child.
At this point it is important to remind teens that the reason you agreed to them having a mobile phone in the first place was so that you could get in contact with them in emergencies. A lot of teens use this as a way to persuade their parents to let them have the latest phone and then when their parent tries to phone them they never answer!
A good way of tackling this one is when you agree to the phone, say there are terms and conditions. Tell them that you won't phone them about trivial things so if you do phone them you do expect them to answer. If they do not reply to your call you will text them and you expect them to contact you within the hour. Also get them to agree not to run out of credit. They need to have enough credit to at least send an emergency text.
Communicating with teens can be tough but it is a two-way street and at times there can be fault on both sides. If teens feel they are being constantly 'talked at' and 'lectured to' they are likely to switch off but if they feel that their view will be genuinely listened to and considered, they are more likely to listen to what their parents and carers say.