100 Free Ways To Happier Days With Your Teen:
I enjoyed writing my first book so much that only a few weeks
after sending it to the publisher I have decided to write another. This one is
in blog form. I want to be able to make it freely available to anyone who might
benefit from it.
Please feel free to share the posts with anyone that you feel
might benefit.
I am a teacher and I have two grown up children of my own so I
have experienced many of the joys and sorrows associated with having children
and teens. I have also worked with teenagers over the years.
Mum died when I was
13. This meant Dad was a single parent for a while and later I had step-
parents. I have been a step-parent myself for a while too. Each of these
experiences has helped me see things from a different perspective. I have tried
to learn from each experience.
For some people the 'teen years' are the trickiest of all!
This blog is written in the hope that it will make life a
little easier for the parents and carers who read it as well as for the teens
themselves.
I will issue one post at a time. There will be thoughts and
ideas that you can use to support your teen and
I will include some things that you can do to support yourself. It is
essential that you are able to support yourself properly in order to help
others. In aeroplanes, if the oxygen
masks are released in an emergency, you must put yours on first before you are
able to help others around you to secure theirs.
After you have read the posts, your feedback would be very much appreciated.
You can add a comment to the comment box below or email me at; cathee@hotmail.co.uk
I am in the process of writing “100 Free Ways To Happier Days
For Teenagers.” I will publish that via the blog once it is complete. Watch
this space.....
1. Coming Home Late:
We are starting with this subject as it is one of the things
that causes a lot of tension between parents, carers and teens. One of the most
difficult things to cope with is when your teenager does not come back when
they say they will.
Parents often feel a mix of anger and fear when this happens.
What if something has happened to their child? Parents and carers often stay
up, waiting and frantically worrying about their teen, hoping that they will
come home safely.
When they do return the initial feeling is often relief but
then the anger can start to kick in.
If it seems that their
teen is late for no good reason then the parent/carer is often left feeling
furious that their child has ignored their rules.
When their child does come home, it is all too easy to jump
straight into a row. The parent may kick things off with, “What time do you
call this?” The scene is then set for a fierce argument. This only serves to
upset everyone concerned.
Your teen may be tired or drunk at this point. They are
unlikely to retain what you say to them.
Stop for a moment,
take a breath and ask yourself what do you want to achieve from your
communication? If you really want your teen
to do as you ask, then shouting at them isn't likely to achieve this.
If your teen has come home late, try to calmly greet them,
let them know they are rather late and that you have been worried. Tell them
that you are relieved that they have come home safely then leave it at that.
You could let them know that you will talk to them again in the morning and
then go back to bed yourself.
By doing this you
avoid a row that is unlikely to achieve anything positive and you have time to
calm down yourself and think about what you will say to them in the morning.
Ideally when you talk to your teen the next day, you will be
able to get to the point where they realise the risk they have put themselves
under and they may even be able to suggest an appropriate consequence for their
actions.
The key is to avoid launching-in with a lecture and to start
by greeting your child when they resurface the next day. Talk to them in a normal way about everyday things
before you raise the subject of lateness. This way they may bring up the matter
themselves. They may even offer you an apology without you asking them to.
If this happens you are in a good position to ask them what
they think the consequences should be for their late arrival. Most teenagers
are fully aware of the dangers of being out late at night and can actually
accept that their parents care for them so may well be worried about them.
If they do not offer an apology or raise the matter themselves
then you do need to bring up the matter with them. Avoiding a row in the night
does not mean glossing over the issue
the next day. If a teen knows there are consequences for lateness that will be
followed through, they are unlikely to be late often. If a teen realises that
they may get a lecture, a row and threats of consequences that are seldom
followed through, they are unlikely to adapt their behaviour in the way you are
asking them to. It is said that it is not the severity of a sanction but the certainty
that it will be implemented that gives the sanction power.
Once the subject has been raised, it would be helpful to
start by asking them what happened. They may have a good reason for their
lateness. You could start by saying you are relieved that they got home safely
but that they were late, so you were awake and worried about them. At this
point you could ask them what happened and then listen carefully to what they
say. They may or may not tell the truth but there is little point in accusing
them of lying and spending time dwelling on the matter. Once they have given
their explanation, you can decide how responsible they were being. If they were
late through no fault of their own you could discuss strategies to reduce the
chances of this happening again. It may be that the last bus didn't turn up. In
this case they could have phoned or texted to let you know. It may be that you
could agree to give them emergency money for a taxi that must only be used for
this purpose if they had transport problems again.
There could be a whole host of possible reasons for lateness.
If the explanations given do appear plausible then a positive
way forward would be to discuss calmly with them possible solutions if a
situation like this happened again.
If they were at fault then it could be appropriate to agree a
consequence such as being asked to return home earlier next time.
In an ideal world the parent and teen will have discussed the
dangers of being out late at night before the teen goes out for the first time
and a discussion will have taken place about what to do in emergencies. They
should also have agreed the consequences of coming home late. Perhaps if they
are late one day they can't go out the next or if they are an hour later than
agreed then they need to come home an hour earlier the next time. You will be
able to decide what is right for your own situation.
If your child knew the consequences of their behaviour then
it is important that you follow through with what has been agreed. This will
encourage them to adapt their behaviour in future.
If you keep letting them off then they are unlikely to take any agreed consequences
seriously.
If they have suggested the consequence themselves, they are
more likely to keep to your agreement.
One really good tip I heard was to have an alarm clock in the
house set to the time agreed. The plan is that the parents can go to bed when
they want because the child will come
home and turn off the alarm clock before it goes off. That way if the alarm
clock does not go off the parents can sleep soundly knowing their teen is safe
but if the alarm goes off they do need to get up and try and make contact with
their child.
At this point it is important to remind teens that the reason
you agreed to them having a mobile phone in the first place was so that you
could get in contact with them in emergencies. A lot of teens use this as a way
to persuade their parents to let them have the latest phone and then when their
parent tries to phone them they never answer!
A good way of tackling this one is when you agree to the
phone, say there are terms and conditions. Tell them that you won't phone them
about trivial things so if you do phone them you do expect them to answer. If
they do not reply to your call you will text them and you expect them to
contact you within the hour. Also get them to agree not to run out of credit.
They need to have enough credit to at least send an emergency text.
Communicating with teens can be tough but it is a two-way
street and at times there can be fault on both sides. If teens feel they are
being constantly 'talked at' and 'lectured to' they are likely to switch off
but if they feel that their view will be genuinely listened to and considered,
they are more likely to listen to what their parents and carers say.
2.Alcohol:
Alcohol is a very
emotive subject. We all hold different views on alcohol. Some of us drink and
others don't. Some don't feel the need to and others have quit for their own
reasons, so when teenagers start drinking, parental reaction varies enormously.
Some parents and carers are relaxed about their teen having a
drink or two while others might assume their teen is in danger if they come
home after having had one drink.
It is important to make sure you have the facts before talking
to your teen. You need to know what The Law says on the subject as well as the
health risks and the myths.
There are useful books and websites on the subject that
parents and carers can study before talking to their teens. 'Drinkaware' is one
such site that can help you to be clear on the issues.
Once you have the facts, it is
important to look at your own attitudes and behaviour around drink as what you
do will greatly influence your teen. If you have a problem with drinking your
teen is likely to be aware of this so lecturing them is unlikely to have a
positive impact. The 'do as I say but not as I do' approach is also unlikely to
work.
Teens are much more likely to
listen to you if you listen to them too. If you stick to the facts and keep
calm, you are more likely to be able to get through to your teen.
Timing is also key. It is not a
good idea to bring up the subject of drinking too much when either of you has
had a drink as this is unlikely to lead to a reasoned discussion. It is more
likely to escalate into an argument.
Try discussing the issue when
both of you are in a relaxed mood. Sometimes a TV programme will cover the
subject of drinking and then you can discuss the issues a fictional character
is facing with your teen as this makes the subject a lot less emotive.
If either you or your teen has a
drink problem it is important that you get help with this. Drinkaware helps you
with this offering tips on how to cut down as well as information about how
alcohol can affect your health, your finances and your family.
3. Drugs:
Drugs are an area where it is crucial that you have accurate
knowledge before wading in.
The drug scene has changed over time and drugs that used to
be popular when you were young may be less so now, particularly as new drugs
are being introduced as 'legal highs' as soon as others are banned.
'Talk To Frank' is an excellent website which offers up to
date information and good advice if you are worried that your teen may be
taking drugs.
It is important to examine and question your own attitude to
drugs before bringing the subject with your teen. This is particularly
important if you are part of a couple as your attitudes to drugs may vary from
that of your partner.
If you cannot agree on the approach to take regarding drugs
then your teenager is likely to be confused or may operate a 'divide and rule'
approach. They may exploit your
difference of opinion to their advantage.
It may be that you have quite a relaxed attitude to drug
taking while your partner has not. If this is the case then start by discussing
your views with your partner until you can find a compromise that will enable
you to present a united front when speaking with your teen.
It may be that your partner shares your views but family and
friends do not.
When it comes to something like this it is important that you
think carefully about your own approach to drugs and then it will be possible
to agree a set of house rules that everyone abides by.
Your teen may have friends whose parents or carers have a
different approach to drugs than your own. They may be more or less tolerant than
you.
Parents hear all kinds of scare stories about teens who take
a drug once and then die. While this is a possibility and is extremely tragic
when it does happen, many teenagers experiment with drugs. Of these only a
small percentage go on to be a regular drug user so if you do suspect your
child is experimenting with drugs it is important to remain calm and keep
things in perspective.
If you have an open and honest relationship with your teen
where you feel able to discuss things, it would be good to be straight with
them and bring up the subject calmly.
Again it can be possible to bring up the subject after
watching a programme featuring a character who has a drug problem. You know
your child, so are likely to know when they are most likely to be responsive.
They are unlikely to respond positively if you bring up the subject in front of
their friends, for example.
It is important to be aware of the health risks associated
with taking drugs as well as being aware of the legal situation.
If your child receives a drug conviction they may find they
are not permitted to enter certain countries including the USA. For example.
Life is all about making choices. The parent and carers role
is to advise and support but ultimately the child will decide what advice to
take and what to ignore.
It is also important to 'practise what you preach.' If you
take drugs yourself it is likely that your teenager will ignore your demands
that they remain drug-free.
If you have established house rules around drug-taking such
as 'this house is a drug free zone so no-one is permitted to take illegal drugs
in it' you need to agree suitable consequences for the breaking of this rule.
It is helpful to have discussed the rules and the
consequences in advance and then if the rules are broken the agreed
consequences should be followed through with calmly.
If you realise that your child has a serious drug problem and
needs help it is important that you know where to look for help.
The key to resolving this issue is communication. Whatever is
happening, if you can keep the lines of communication open between you and your
teen, you have the best chance of supporting them.
4. Smoking:
Have you ever smoked?
Do you smoke now? Do you like smoking now or do you wish that you could stop?
I know that this section is supposed to be discussing issues
around teenagers smoking but your attitude and habits around smoking are very
likely to influence your teenager.
Despite what many of them say, they do tend to admire their
parents and carers and seek their approval. As a result of this they watch
parents and carers closely as well as listening to what they say. If you say
one thing and do another they are likely to become somewhat confused.
If you enjoy smoking but do not wish your child to smoke you
will need to calmly discuss the advantages and disadvantages of smoking with
them. If anyone does smoke they do so for a variety of reasons and the smoking
must serve the in some way for them to continue with the habit.
The NHS in UK offers a useful and clear website that gives
good reasons for teens to quit smoking as well as suggesting ways to do it:
If you help your teenager to access the facts and then make
their own mind up, you are more likely to be able to positively influence them.
If you are anti-smoking and you find that your teenager is smoking,
it can be hard to remain calm but the more reasonably you can discuss the
subject with your teenager, the more likely they are to listen and respond
positively to you.
It is likely that a lot of their peers smoke and this is
likely to influence their behaviour.
It is important to discuss your attitudes to smoking with
your partner if you have one. It may be that you have similar views or your
views may differ greatly. Try and establish a compromise so that you can
discuss the issue with your teenager in a united way.
Discuss the issue of smoking at a time when all is calm and
then you are more likely to make progress.
Agree some fair and reasonable house rules and have agreed
consequences for rule breaking. It may be that you give your teenager pocket
money but if you discover them smoking you will stop their pocket money for an
agreed period of time.
I have said it before but it is worth repeating that it is
not the severity of a consequence that causes impact but the certainty that the
consequence will be followed through.
5. Unreliable Friends:
Teenagers are often highly influenced by their friends. This
can please parents and carers if they approve of the behaviour of their friends
but can cause problems if parents and carers believe that their teenager is
being 'led off-course' by them.
Parents and carers worry that their teen may end up mixing
with 'the wrong crowd.'
Some groups of teens can end up with quite a reputation of
law-breaking or rowdy behaviour and parents and carers can become very
concerned when they discover their teenager hangs-out with them.
It is important to check the facts. When you hear something,
how do you know that it is true?
There is nothing worse then confronting your teen only to
find out that the rumours were not true and your teen has just been accused by
you of doing something that they haven't done.
Once you have the facts it is always helpful to talk to you
teen about your concerns. Make sure you choose the right moment to bring up the
subject. If you and your teen are feeling calm prior to your conversation you
have a far greater chance of an effective communication with them but if either
of you are feeling tense or distracted in the first place then the chances of
you communicating effectively are slim.
It is best so be honest, to let them know of your concerns
and then listen carefully to what they say. If you remain calm when they are
speaking and fully listen to them they are more likely to trust you with the
truth and then you will be in the best
possible situation to decide what action needs to be taken.
Once you have fully listened to your teen it is your turn to
let them know your concerns and any action that you have decided to take.
Depending on the reaction of your teen you will be able to decide
on the best course of action. Providing you come across to them as fair and
reasonable they are likely to respect what you have to say even if they don't
actually say so.
Once the lines of communication have been opened regarding
your concerns it is important that you
continue to offer your teen feedback at the right time and in the right
place.
Continue to assess the situation and let your teen know your
worries and concerns.
Praise them when they comply with your wishes and follow
through with any sanctions that you have agreed if they don't comply.
Teenagers respond well to the certainty that you will follow
through with any sanctions you have agreed.
6. Studies:
One of the biggest areas of tension between parents/carers
and their teen is the area of homework. Parents/ carers understandably want
their children to do well at school as they feel that this increases the
likelihood of them getting good jobs and a comfortable future. Their teen may
be less enthusiastic about their studies. Homework can be very dull and
repetitive. It competes against other more interesting pastimes such as going
out, communicating with friends via social media and playing computer games.
The most effective way forward is to discuss the issue with
your teen at a time when you are both feeling calm and communicative. Be honest with them, explain why you think
homework is so important and listen to their objections. It will be possible to
negotiate a fair compromise with them once you know what they would rather be
doing. It may be that you can agree that they will work hard and without
distraction for an agreed amount of time on certain days a week and in return
for them applying themselves, they can have an agreed number of days off from
homework.
It can be effective to offer them incentives such as extra
pocket money for positive school reports and it can also be beneficial to link
the receipt of pocket money to the
successful completion of homework.
If you find that your teen remains resistant to completing
homework, it is important to check that the homework isn't too difficult for
them. Sometimes teens refuse homework
because they do not understand the task. If this is the case you can
communicate with their teacher and explain the difficulty so that they are provided
with tasks that they are capable of completing.
Once you are certain that the work is achievable then you can
set your expectations. Let your teen know how much work you expect them to do
and stick to it. You can provide incentives that encourage them to complete the
work as well as sanctions if they fail to do so.
If you remain calm and firm they are likely to realise that
they need to complete the work. If you keep changing your mind then they will
be able to exploit this and fail to complete the work agreed.
7. Tidying Up:
One of the main arguments teens have with their parents and
carers is around keeping the home tidy. The arguments can range from tension
over an untidy bedroom to complaints when possessions are left draped all over
the house.
These arguments can be one of the main sources of conflict I
the family home. Parents and carers can feel that their teen is showing
laziness by being untidy and that they show lack of respect for them as well as
lack of appreciation for their possessions by leaving them lying around.
The best way of tackling this issue is to decide what areas
are negotiable and which are non- negotiable. For example you may be prepared
to let your teen leave things lying around in their bedroom but not in the communal areas of the house.
You may choose to prioritise health and safety by insisting
that old scraps of food are disposed of and the washing up is done but you may
be prepared to ignore clothes left lying around in their room.
It is important that your teen realises there are
responsibilities and well as rights when it comes to family life.
When a child is very young, everything is done for them. When
they leave home they need to do everything for themselves. At some point they
need to start taking some responsibility for themselves so that they learn to
do their fair share of the tasks in the home.
It is important that every child in the home does their fair
share of work. That way they learn to appreciate all the things that their
parents and carers do for them.
Once you have decided on your priorities, you need to communicate
them clearly to your teen. You can explain the areas that are non-negotiable
and insist that your teen complies. Your teen needs to know the consequences of
failing to comply with your expectations. Any sanctions should be clear and
reasonable and you should be prepared to follow them through.
8. Phone Bills:
Another frequent area of tension is that of using the phone.
Many teens use their parents and carer's land-line and run up huge bills. Other
children are given a mobile phone so that parents can communicate with them in
an emergency situation. They often fail to answer the phone when their parents
and carers call and sometimes exceed their contract limit. This causes them to
run up large bills which their parents have to pay.
Parents and carers sometimes combat this by applying a pin
number to their home phone which prevents their teen from making unauthorised
calls. Teens sometimes reverse the charges when phoning their parents for a
lift once they have exceeded the calls allowed on their mobile phone contract.
This can create a dilemma for parents and carers. If they refuse the reversed
charges they run the risk of ignoring their teen when they are in a dangerous
situation so they usually accept the charges only to find that the call was not
urgent. This runs up their bill still further.
In this situation it is best to remain calm and to make your expectations clear.
They have been given a phone so that they can be contacted in an emergency and
so if they fail to answer the phone there will be consequences. These could
include being told that they must return home early from a social event such as
a party or concert.
Every time they use the land-line without permission there
will also be consequences which can include loss of pocket money or other
privileges.
9. Moodiness:
As teenagers grow they are affected by many hormonal changes
as they develop and this can be quite frightening for them. It is
understandable that at these times their behaviour can be moody and
unpredictable. We should bear this in mind when teens seem rather grumpy and
uncommunicative. The highs and lows can be extreme. Try to be sympathetic and
remind them how much you care about them. Encourage them to share their
problems with you so that you are in a position to advise and support them when
they need it.
Sometimes the highs and lows can be a cause for concern. This
can turn into a medical problem with teenagers experiencing anxiety and
depression.
If you are worried about your teen and the problem sees to be
persisting it is useful to consult relevant agencies for support.
Very helpful on-line support is available. One such site is:
It provides useful
information including a Teenager's Guide To Depression.
If your teen needs help then a good place to start would be
encouraging them to visit their GP. They may agree to go on their own or ask
you to come with them. Doctors are usually willing to allow parents and carers
to attend appointments providing the patient has given permission for this. They will explore
various treatments and aim to find the most appropriate approach for their
patient.
The most important thing that you can do when supporting your
teen is to remind them how much you care about them. Encourage them to talk to
you and make sure that you make time to listen to them fully.
After surviving depression many victims say that while they
did not appear responsive or appreciative at the time, the fact that their
loved ones were always willing to listen to them helped them to feel heard and
cared about. This more than anything, helped them to recover.
10. Money:
Money can become a major area of tension in family life. Many
people experience financial hardship and they can spend a lot of time worrying
about their finances. This can greatly
affect teenagers. They may have friends who come from wealthy families and so
find it hard to accept that money is tight in their own home. They might crave
the latest clothes and gadgets believing that this will guarantee the approval
of their friends.
Some parents and carers are not motivated by material things
and find it hard to accept that their teen is. Equally some teens reject
materialism while their parents or carers strive to have the best of
everything.
Parents and carers can argue about money and this can cause
tension in the home.
Whatever your financial situation, it is often best to be honest with your
teenager as they take in their surroundings and listen to what is going on
around them.
It can be hard to strike a balance between being honest about
your financial situation and worrying them unnecessarily.
Some families provide their teens with regular pocket money.
Some attach conditions and expect their teen to earn pocket money while others
provide it freely. Whatever your approach it is best to be calm, clear, fair
and consistent.
The aim is to teach your teen to appreciate what they do have
and not take it for granted. It can be beneficial to encourage them to use some
of their money to buy small gifts for others so that they can experience the
pleasure of giving as well as receiving.
11. Sex:
Sex is one of the main sources of conflict in families. Some
families have strict rules about sex before marriage that aren't necessarily
shared by their teens.
Parents and carers also worry that their teen may be
exploited by another person or that they may put themselves at risk of pregnancy
or sexual infection. These concerns may well be valid but it is important that
parents and carers approach the situation in a way that is likely to be well
received, if they are to be effective.
Choose a time to discuss your concerns with your teen when
you are both feeling calm. Make sure you don't jump to conclusions. Just
because you think your teen may be taking risks you may be wrong. Stick to the
facts and make sure you listen to what they have to say.
If you do not approve of sex before marriage and do not
condone this in your home, you have every right to insist that your teen sleeps
separately from their boyfriend or girlfriend in your home but be aware that
they may not honour your wishes when they are away from the house.
Try and ensure that you are well informed and know where your
teen can go for advice on contraception if they are in a sexual relationship.
The NHS offers an informative website that they can go to to
find out what choices they have regarding contraception.
Keep the lines of communication open. Listen to them and they
are far more likely to listen to you when you have something important to say.
This issue can be more concerning if your teen is below the
age of consent, particularly if their partner is over 18.
Think U Know is a very useful website that deals with this
issue. It is important that you and your teen know the legal situation when
approaching this issue.
12. Step Parents:
Sometimes teenagers get on well with their step-parents but
at other times this relationship can be very tense. Things are more likely to
go well when all parents communicate well and share the same views when it comes to bringing up teens.
If the absent parents holds a different view from the parent
the teen lives with, this can be a source of conflict.
In an ideal world the birth parents maintain a good
relationship and ensure they provide a united response to their children even
after splitting up.
Step-parents may have different views on child rearing than
either birth parent. This can be a real source of tension in families.
As with any difficult situation, communication is key.
Where possible, parents and step-parents should get together
and compromise so that they can present a united message to the teen. Where
this is not possible it is helpful if the step-parent respects the view of the
birth parents even if they do not entirely agree with them.
If the parent and the step-parent are divided, the teen can
exploit this by going to the more lenient person when asking for permission to
do things.
If you are a step-parent it can be very helpful to listen to
the teen but tell them that you will need to consult their parent before making
a decision. Once a teen realises that they can't 'divide and rule' the parents,
they are more likely to communicate more effectively with them.
It can be very hard for the step parent to to stand by and
watch the teen criticising or being unkind to their partner and it can be tempting
to step in with a statement like, 'Don't talk to your mother/father like that!'
While this response is understandable it is unlikely to be
effective and you are likely to make the situation worse.
The best course of action is to ask your partner how you can
support them. You can also try and maintain a positive relationship with your
step-child. Listen to them and try and understand their point of view. That way
they are likely to respect you and be more willing to ask for your advice and
support.
13. Fights:
Some teenagers have a tendency to pick fights with others.
These fights can be verbal, physical or a combination of both. They can get
into fights with friends, family and even complete strangers.
This can be a huge source of worry for parents and carers.
Again it is important not to jump to conclusions. Share any
concerns that you have with your teen when
all is calm. Listen to them and make sure you have the facts before
expressing your opinion.
Bullying takes many forms and can really make life unpleasant
for the victim.
When you hear that your child has been involved in fighting
with or bullying another person either physically or emotionally, this can be
very upsetting. It is important to listen to your child and hear their reasons
as it may be that they are also being bullied or intimidated.
Once you have the facts it is important that you share your
opinion honestly with your teen. Let them know when you think they have acted
wrongly and provide them with the opportunity to make amends.
If your teen is persistently aggressive to others it is
important that you challenge this. Communicate clearly and explain the
consequences of their actions.
If a young teen gets a police record for violence, the will
compromise their future chances, for example.
You can seek help and advice online by visiting sites such
as:
If your teen is persistently violent towards you then the
police can be contacted for help and advice.
Remember that teenagers are affected by life experiences. If
they experience violence in their lives they are more likely to resort to
violence themselves.
Counselling and other support is available to help with this.
Talk to your GP to find out what is available in your local area.
14. Dating:
Dating is an area of concern for some families. These days a
lot of people join on-line dating sites to meet new people. They go on Blind
Dates and this can be a real source of anxiety for parents and carers.
Equally, single parents also experience on-line dating and go
on Blind Dates to meet new people and this can upset their teens.
If at all possible, it is best for teens, parents and carers
to share their concerns with one another. If everyone knows what is going on
this helps to keep everyone safe. If your teen is meeting someone new and you
know where they are and when they should be back, you are in a good position to
help them if they don 't come home when they say they will. Equally if members
of the family know when you are out on a date they can raise the alarm if you
get into difficulty.
It can be hard for parents and carers to accept that their
teens are old enough to start dating. Teens can feel very upset when their
parents split up and start dating other people.
The key is to consider the feelings of all concerned.
If you have a teen at home and have started dating again it
is important to consider their feelings. Make sure they are kept informed when
you meet someone special and allow them to meet your new girlfriend or
boyfriend. The right person will make sure they are sensitive to your teen.
Equally, if your teen starts dating, encourage them to invite
their boyfriend or girlfriend round from time to time. That way you can get to
know them. If they are willing to meet you, this is a good sign. Be polite to
them and build a relationship with them if at all possible.
15. Sexuality:
As teens grow, they start to explore their sexuality. They
start to explore sex and relationships with others. Some teenagers discover
they are gay while others try sex with both sexes. This can be a real source of
concern for parents and carers.
The key, once again, is to listen to your teen. Try to
understand their point of view and make sure that you are not overly
judgemental or you risk alienating and isolating them.
Try and keep the lines of communication open and then you can
help your teen to stay safe and happy.
You can share your concerns with them if you feel they are
putting themselves at risk and if they know they can talk to you. If you truly
listen to them they are much more likely to listen to you when you have valid
concerns.
A very useful site to find out more about orientation and
sexuality is:
It will help you to put things in perspective and to be well
informed.
16. Communication:
Communication is key. Whatever the problem, if you can talk about it you will greatly improve your
chances of improving the situation. It can be all too easy to lose your temper
and to say things that you later regret when you find yourself in a difficult
situation. At these times it is essential that you remain as calm as possible
and move away from the situation if at all possible so that you can gain
control of your feelings. Talk to your teen about what concerns you and make
sure that you give them the opportunity to share their point of view.
You may not agree with what they say but if they know that
you are really willing to listen to their point of view they are much more
likely to respond positively to what you have to say.
You may not agree with them but you can let them know that
you are pleased that they have managed to communicate their views with you in
an appropriate way.
In life, if we feel listened to, we are much more willing to
listen.
If you do get angry and lose your temper don't be afraid to
admit your mistake and apologise. This won't lead to you losing face. It is
more likely that they will respect your honesty.
Equally if your child loses their temper and says something
in anger, try to forgive them when they seek forgiveness. We all make mistakes
and providing we learn from them, that's OK.
If you can keep the
lines of communication open, you are in a good position to help and support
your teen through life.
17. Breaking Rules:
The teen years are often associated with rebellion and rule
breaking. When we think back to our teen years, many of us can recall refusing
to conform with what was expected of us. The degree to which we rebel varies
greatly. Many of us tend to conform more as we get older and it can be hard to
remember the time when we too questioned the status-quo and refused to conform.
Some rule breaking is less serious than others. It is
important to remember this when your teen starts to challenge the rules. Decide
on what is important and stick to that. Try not to 'major on the minors.' Try
to insist that rules that are designed to protect health and safety are
protected even if you sometimes let other rules slide.
It can be very upsetting if you have enjoyed a strong relationship
with your child and then suddenly they start questioning you and refusing to do
what you say. This is actually a stage of development experienced to a lesser
or greater degree by all families. As teens get older they feel the need to
separate from their parents in order to establish their own identity. Remain
calm and stick to the essential rules. Make sure your teen knows the
consequence of their actions. If they deliberately break a rule they should
know what sanction will be applied. That way they know where they stand.
They may appear to resent you for maintaining safety rules
but at least they will know that you care about them and are determined to keep
them safe.
If you are too permissive or you are inconsistent in your
behaviour, teenagers can find it hard to know where the boundaries are and this
can make them feel insecure.
18. Lying:
At times we all cover up the truth or tell 'a white lie.'
When we find out that our teen is lying to us this can be very upsetting and it
can lead to many unpleasant confrontations. As you bring up your teen, it is
important that you emphasise the importance of telling the truth. If your teen
is willing to tell the truth they should be given credit for this. If you are
able to communicate the importance of being truthful, life should run more
smoothly. It is also important to model being truthful. Teenagers do not
respond well to their parents or carers being hypocritical by criticising them
for lying while they cover up the truth themselves.
Being honest and truthful with your teen and expecting them
to tell the truth is a good approach to adopt. It can be difficult at times,
particularly when telling the truth can lead to upsetting people.
If your teen lies to you, there should be consequences. Being
truthful is the key to effective communication and your teen needs to realise
this. If they lie to you, rather than getting angry, try to calmly remind them
of the dangers of lying to their parents and ensure that a pre-agreed sanction
is applied. Praise all attempts to tell the truth even when it is hard,
particularly when it is hard.
19. Sibling Rivalry:
Sibling Rivalry can be a real area of tension in families.
Some siblings feel hard done by as they believe their sibling is favoured by
their parents or carers. A good way to combat this ,is to celebrate their
uniqueness. Each child will have unique skills and talents and this should be
acknowledged from an early age. If a teen knows their achievements will be
celebrated as well as those of their sibling, they are more likely to accept it
when their sibling receives praise.
Winning and losing is something we all learn to live with.
Being competitive is part and parcel of our society.
We can't all be good at everything and therefore teenagers do
need to realise this.
Don't hold back on recognising the achievements of others so
that your teenager grows to accept this. Providing you make a point of praising
their achievements and recognising their talents they are more likely to accept
and even celebrate the achievements of others themselves. This is a good
quality to foster. If your teen learns how to recognise and celebrate
achievements experienced by themselves and others they are likely to become a
well balanced individual.
20. Direction:
Some teens seem to know from an early age what they want to
do with their lives. They may have a talent and wish to develop this talent
into a career, for example. They may be good at sport and decide to become a
coach or trainer. They may be good at
languages and decide to travel and put their language skills to good use.
Other teenagers find it very hard to decide what they wish to
do when they leave school. This can be worrying for parents and carers as they
are all too aware that if you apply for many jobs you face a lot of
competition. Employers favour knowledgeable and confident individuals.
Some teens want to be one thing one minute and then change
their mind and change direction.
Some teens cannot decide which options to take up at school
so are unsure which qualifications to
study.
You can help your teen by listening to them and by finding
out from local experts what is available in your area. You can encourage your
teen to attend job fairs and you can ask the school if they have any careers
advice to offer.
There are useful websites that can help your teen to decide
on what direction they wish to head in.
The key is to remember that if they try one direction and it
turns out to be wrong for them it is never too late to choose a new path.
Ensure you continue to listen to your teen and they are likely to let you know
if they need support in making big decisions like this. Knowing that they have
you to rely on will help them to feel a lot more confident when they need to
make key life-choices.
21. Failure:
It can be very hard to deal with failure. When your teenager
tries at something and fails they are likely to feel disappointed. Learning how
to deal with failure is an important life skill.
You can model coping with failure by not hiding your failures
from them. My teenagers celebrated when I finally passed my driving test after
I failed several times. They were able to watch how I picked myself up and
re-booked my test, refusing to give up until I succeeded.
It is said that there is 'no failure, only feedback.'
I think this is a great way of looking at things.
If you never try anything challenging you may not experience
failure but you are also unlikely to move forward.
To really live the life of your dreams you need to risk
failure in order to achieve your goals. Praise your teenager when they put
themselves forward and try something new. They will grow in resilience when
they work at their dreams.
22. Body Image:
The teenage years can be very challenging for many. It is a
time where they wish to appeal to others and yet many are covered in spots and
feel socially awkward. They are faced with TV and magazine adverts where people
are airbrushed and appear flawless which can leave them feeling less confident
still.
Some teenagers turn to comfort food and use snacks to help
them feel better and this can lead to them gaining weight. Some experiment with
alcohol and drugs to help them block out their feelings of inadequacy.
If you can keep talking to your teenager and point out their
good points you will do a lot to boost their confidence. Make sure that you
praise them mainly for things that are not associated with their looks so that
they realise that there are many more important things besides appearance.
Teach them that true beauty comes from within and that the way you look on the
outside is not as important as the inner strengths that you possess.
Encouraging your teen to eat healthily will help them combat
skin problems. Drinking water is also very good for skin and general health.
It is also helpful to
model that while you do take pride in your appearance that you value other
things more. Teenagers are very impressionable and will watch you closely to
see if you 'practise what you preach. '
23. Self- Esteem:
Teenagers can have a very delicate self-esteem. Self esteem
is how we value ourselves. It is also about how we feel we are regarded by
others. Our society can disapprove of people speaking too highly of themselves,
so may teenagers find it much easier to dwell on their shortcomings than focus
on their strong points.
As teenagers grow it is important to continually boost their
self esteem by noticing the positive things they do and to praise them for
this. If you do this regularly enough they will start to feel more positive
about themselves.
If you notice tiny details and point out the things they do
well ,they are more likely to be able to see good in themselves and others. It
is always best to offer far more praise than criticism when communicating with
teenagers. Most teenagers are prepared for criticism. They listen to all the
negative things you say about them and absorb them on a deep level. They find
it far harder to focus on the positives and so it is vitally important that you
are more often positive than negative feedback when communicating with your
teen.
If they start to feel loved, supported and valued by others
they are more likely to believe that they are good individuals and they will
start to see the positives in themselves.
24. School:
School can be hard for teenagers. Some thrive at school and
achieve a lot, while others find it very difficult as they struggle with their
studies and their peers. Sometimes they enjoy school until joining Secondary
School and then find it hard to adjust to a new and larger environment.
Some teenagers hate school so much that they truant. This can
be very worrying and upsetting for parents and carers.
If a teen finds school hard it is likely that they will
experience difficulties that are noticed by school staff and they may well
contact you to share their concerns. This can be a worrying time for parents
and carers, particularly if their child never used to have problems at school.
Listen to what the school is saying to you and listen
carefully to your teen. If they feel that you will listen carefully to them
they are more likely to confide what the problem is.
Difficulties can range from the work being too difficult for
them to complete to problems with peers.
Once you have all the information, you are in the best
position to support your teen. Consult their teachers, listen to them and agree
the way forward.
Work with the school and keep communicating with your child
so that you are aware of what is going on. Celebrate successes and be patient
with failure. Providing your teen is trying their best to cope with school, they should be praised.
25. Home School:
Some teenagers do not cope well with school and the decision
is taken for them to be educated at home. Sometimes they have experienced
bullying and intimidation and they feel that they cannot face going into
school. Some teenagers are educated at home during periods of ill health.
The quality of the experience can vary enormously. Some parents and carers are very
knowledgeable about learning styles and provide their teenager with a rich
learning experience while others find educating their teenager at home a real
challenge.
There is useful support available on sites such as:
One of the key areas of difficulty is ensuring that your teen
is given opportunities to mix with their peers or they can end up feeling
somewhat isolated. Social networking can be very useful to help them combat
loneliness. There are also some out of school clubs and activities that they
can join so that they are not socially isolated.
Another area of challenge can be deciding which exams your
teen will sit and ensuring that there is a suitable centre that is willing to
allow your teen to sit the exams. If you are thinking of educating your teen at
home, your local authority will make contact to ensure that your child is
receiving appropriate education. They can also offer advice and answer some of
the questions you might have.
Home education is not a decision to be taken lightly but it can be an excellent
alternative for some teens.
26. Fears:
Teenagers may not let you know this but they often worry.
They are afraid of the future, concerned that something bad will happen to them
or their loved ones. The amazing thing is that they do not always realise that
you have fears too. We often try to shield out loved ones from our fears which
is perfectly understandable but if they do not know that you have fears too
they can start to feel inadequate.
While it is important that we don't overwhelm our teenagers
with our worries it is important that they know that it is normal to have fear
and that it is how you deal with it that counts.
When something frightening happens in the world such as a
terrorist attack or a natural disaster it is tempting to dismiss our fears and
pretend that everything is OK but our teenagers watch us carefully. If we say
we are not afraid but behave in a way that suggests we are not telling the
truth, this can be far more worrying for your teenager than being honest about
your fears.
It is good to be honest, to acknowledge when you are worried
about things but that you are keeping your fears in perspective. If you are
well informed and factual you are likely to reassure your teen that they do not
need to be unduly worried about specific incidents. If you are very worried
about something and you decide to take action to reduce the risk, these actions
can reassure your teenager.
If your teenager knows that they can share their fears with
you and that you will not belittle or judge them, they are likely to feel
reassured.
If you live in the present it is much easier to reduce fears
when when you overly focus on things that have gone wrong in the past or may go
wrong in the future. You can introduce your teenager to mindfulness practises
such as meditation.
There are guided meditations available online that can really
help:
There are even adult colouring books on the market that are
becoming increasingly popular. They can really help people to reduce fears by
encouraging us to be present.
27. Diet:
Diet can really make a difference to well-being and health. A
lot of people experiment with diet in the teenage years. I became vegetarian
when I was 16 and have remained so ever since. Others try it and then return to
eating meat.
If your teenager experiments with diet it is important to be
well informed. Demanding that they eat certain food is unlikely to work well,
it is better to point out the importance of getting the right balance of
vitamins and minerals. If your teen eats a balanced diet they are unlikely to
come to any harm.
Some teenagers neglect their health refusing to eat balanced
meals and eating junk food and snacks instead. This can really be a source of
concern for many families. As with anything, it is important to remain calm,
listen to your teenager and make sure that you stick to facts rather than
letting your feelings get in the way.
Providing they are eating enough food they are unlikely to
come to much harm.
Some teenagers miss meals to try and lose weight and this can
become a real concern for families. Again, it is vital that you don't nag or
over-react. Some teens will go on a fad diet that lasts a few days before
returning to a normal diet, for example.
To ensure your teenager is aware of the facts it can be
helpful to encourage them to visit HNS choices.
This provides useful advice and support and may be better
received via a website than via concerned parents and carers.
If you are seriously concerned about your teenager's diet it
may be advisable to consult your GP for medical
advice and support.
28. Loneliness:
Everyone gets lonely sometimes and the teen years can be
particularly isolating and lonely for some. Try and keep communicating with
your teen so that they know they are not alone, that you are there for them
always.
They may share with you that they are lonely at school and
that they have difficulty making friends.
This can be hard to understand if prior to this your child
had no difficulty making friends and you never had this difficulty yourself.
It is important not to dismiss your teenager's concerns. If
they feel that you are not taking their concerns seriously they are likely to
withdraw and become further isolated. Listen to their fears. If they feel heard
they are more likely to heed your advice and accept your support.
MIND is a very useful organisation to consult for further
insights into loneliness and what you can do about it.
29. Peer Pressure:
The teenage years are a time where peers tend to have more
influence that you do. This can be a real shock to the system, particularly if
you have always enjoyed a good relationship with your teen and you have
previously been influential in your teenager's life. At this age they are
starting to be influenced by their friends. If they are experimenting with
drugs and alcohol, for example, there is a risk that they may do the same. If
this should happen, make sure you stick to the facts. You may have concerns but
only share them when you know what you are really dealing with. There is
nothing worse than being falsely accused
of doing something you haven't done.
Try and get to know your teenager's friends. If they are
willing to come round and meet you, this is a good sign. If you are able to
communicate with them they are more likely to respect your wishes. Depending on
the age of your teen you may be able to make connections with your teenager's
friends, parents or carers. If you get to know and trust them, you may be able
to work with them to help keep your teen safe.
If you continue to communicate with your teen through the
rather challenging teenage years, your relationship is likely to grow and
strengthen.
If your teen is used to you listening to them, they are more
likely to share their concerns with you if they are worried about the behaviour
of their friends.
30. Balance:
Achieving balance in life is important whatever your age. If
your teenager stays up late every night their health and school work is likely
to suffer while the occasional late night is unlikely to be a cause for
concern. The key is to build a relationship with your teen based on good communication.
If you do this you will be in the best
position to point out when you feel that your teenager's life is becoming
unbalanced. It is important to model a
balanced life yourself. As parents and carers we can become absorbed in
particular areas of life and our teenager will be quick to notice this. Some
parents are workaholics for example. This can create resentment from their
teenager as they may feel neglected. The most important gift you can give your
teenager is your time. They may well appreciate the lovely gifts that you can
afford to buy them when you work over-time but
if this means that they hardly get to see you, family life becomes
unbalanced and can start to suffer.
During times of economic struggle it is totally
understandable that parents and carers focus on earning enough money to pay the
bills. If you do have to be out at work a lot, remember that when you are with
your teen, try to focus fully on them. Remember that the quality of the time
spent with your teen is even more important than the quantity of time spent
with them.
If you make time for them and truly listen to them when you
are with them they are likely to feel supported and loved.
If you model living a balanced life where you eat a
reasonable diet, get enough sleep and achieve a good work-life balance the
chances are that your teenager will see the benefits and try it for
themselves..
31.Spots:
Many teenager's lives can be plagued by spots and acne. It
can really get them down. If they are washing properly and eating a good diet
and the problem persists it may be advisable for them to consult their GP.
Treatment can vary from individual to individual but your GP can help your
teenager to find the most effective treatment for them.
It is important to remember that while spots can seem
unimportant and trivial to you, your teenager may see things differently.
Listen to their concerns and take them seriously. If they feel that their
concerns are being dismissed they are likely to withdraw and they may not trust you with their concerns in future.
There are many myths associated with acne and the possible
causes. It is helpful to inform yourself of the facts and the NHS website can
be a valuable source of information on this subject:
32. Teen Pregnancy:
It can be a real shock to discover that your daughter is
pregnant or that your son's girlfriend is expecting a baby. Once you are told
about this it can be hard to believe that your teen has been so careless and
many parents and carers express extreme anger when they hear this news.
While this can be a very worrying time for parents and
carers, try to listen to your teenager and be measured in your response.
Try and retrieve the facts. How do they know that they are
pregnant and have they consulted a doctor? If the pregnancy has been confirmed
how do they feel about the news? What about their partner?
It is very tempting to take over and tell your teen what they
must do next but remember your teenager is the person who needs to decide what
their next steps will be.
If you become too domineering you may drive your teen away at
a time when they need you most.
It is important that they receive the right health advice and
so you should encourage them to consult a doctor if they have not already done
so.
NHS choices can be very helpful if you need to know the
facts:
Your teen has some big decisions to make and it is vital that
they are made aware of their choices.
It can be very difficult to respect their wishes if they
conflict with your own opinions and beliefs. Try to listen to your teen. Make
clear that you are there for them and encourage them to make their own
decision.
33. Bullying:
Some teenagers lives can be made a misery by bullying. It is
an issue that can affect young children and remain with them throughout their
lives. The teenage years can be particularly difficult as they move from
Primary to Secondary school and face the challenges of meeting new people.
Family Lives offer a very useful website for parents which gives very good
advice on what to do if your child is being bullied.
The key advice that they offer is to listen to your child
without getting upset or interrupting when they talk to you.
When someone is being bullied it can be very hard for them to
open up and tell someone so it is important that when they do find the courage
to tell someone they should be carefully listened to. If this is handled in the
wrong way by them feeling that they are not being taken seriously or their
parent launches-in with advice and action before hearing what their teen is
saying, they are likely to withdraw and may not risk talking about their
feelings again for a long time.
Some teenagers who are being bullied choose a less familiar
adult to open up to. It may be someone that they trust who works at their
school, for example. This is not a negative reflection on their parent. It may
well be that they are worried about upsetting their parent and feel less
connected to the chosen adult.
Some teens will tell one person and if they don't feel heard
they are unlikely to trust anyone again with their news.
This means that it is important if anyone tells you that they
are being bullied, you take them seriously and take the time to truly listen to
them.
It can be equally distressing to discover that your teen is
the one who is doing the bullying.
The first you hear of this may be a phone-call home from the
school. It can be hard to accept that your child is capable of this type of
behaviour. It is important to listen to the complaints and make sure the
complaints have been properly investigated. If the bullying has taken place at
school they will have a policy that should be carefully followed and any
sanctions given to your child should be fully explained to you and them.
The bullying advice website above offers a helpline that you
can call if you would like to talk to someone about this issue.
The reasons why people bully can be complex and some bullies
have been bullied themselves at some point in their lives.
A lot of preventative work can be done at home and at school
to lessen the likelihood of bullying occurring in the first place and if
bullying does occur there are effective ways of tackling this including a
carefully supported face to face meeting between the bully and their victim so
that they can both understand each others feelings more.
It can be hard to forgive someone who has hurt you or your
family but when you forgive someone who is genuinely sorry for their behaviour
you can start the healing process. This
benefits you as well as the person that you are forgiving.
34. Contraception:
Teenagers often experiment with sexual relationships. To help
them to stay safe and protected from unwanted pregnancy it is vital that they
know the facts and the range of contraception available to them.
Each form of contraception has its benefits and drawbacks.
You may be opposed to contraception for religious reasons.
Despite this it is helpful that your teen is made aware of
the choices open to them so that they can make a decision that is right for
them.
Please don't assume that your teenager's school has covered
this issue in detail. While Sex and
Relationships is on the curriculum , in some cases, teenagers are experimenting
with sex prior to this topic being covered at school and in this case the
advice given can be 'too little too late.'
If you encourage your teen to talk to you about anything they
are more likely to confide in you when they have questions about sex.
It may be that they are too embarrassed to discuss this with
you but they may be more willing to talk to an aunt, uncle or family friend.
Once again, NHS Choices and other sites can help you to
inform yourself and your teen about the methods of contraception available.
It is said that education can be the best form of
contraception. Knowing the facts can help your teen to make the right choices
for them.
35. Drink Driving:
It can be shocking to discover your teenager has been
drink-driving. It can be just as frightening to discover that they have been a
passenger in a car where someone else has been drink-driving.
This is one area where you need to clearly communicate the
seriousness of this action to your teen.
If this is a one off incident then you can warn them that any
repeat of this behaviour could have very serious consequences.
If they had accepted a lift with a drunk driver as they had
no other way of getting home then you could explain that if they are put in
this position again, they should call
you and you will arrange for them to be transported safely home.
Whenever your teen goes out it is a good idea to agree what
time they will be home and how they will be getting home.
If they are the person who has been drink-driving you need to
remind them that if they do this again you will stop them from driving. Take
their car key if necessary. It is so important that they know this behaviour is
illegal and dangerous and that they could be responsible for the death of
themselves and other road users if they continue to behave this way.
The following website tackles this issue providing up to date
statistics about the dangers of teen drink driving.
It is hard to accept when you hear that your teen is behaving
in this way. It is crucial that you communicate with your teen and ensure that
they are aware of the consequences of their actions.
36. Debt:
Lack of money can be a real issue for teens. They see other
people with nice things and they want the same. This can lead to them asking
friends and family if they can borrow money to buy the things they desire.
They may see that you borrow money to make ends meet and so
they feel that borrowing money is a good solution.
It is important that you teach your teen how to budget.
If they do want to buy something they can save pocket money,
get a part-time job or attend a boot-fair to sell unwanted gifts to raise the
necessary funds.
It may be that you are happy to lend them money which they
pay back from their pocket money over a period of weeks. This can be a good
solution but it is important that every
teenager realises that falling into excessive debt is not the solution.
These days many companies offer Zero Finance or low interest
repayments. It can be very tempting to buy things and worry about paying for it
all later.
Some unscrupulous loan companies do offer loans to teenagers
with very high interest repayment rates.
If this happens to your teen it is important that you listen
to them and try not to judge them too harshly. Assess the seriousness of the
situation before helping your teen to decide on the best course of action.
It is important that you don't totally bale out your teen. If
they have no consequence for their action they may borrow and get into debt
again.
A useful website to consult is provided by the Money Advice
Service.
Useful tips include asking your teenager to stick to a budget
in order to buy the family dinner once a week.
This can help them improve their money awareness skills. This
will help them later in life when they may need to survive independently on a
tight budget.
37. Ambitions:
Your teenager is likely to have their own dreams or
ambitions. These are unique to them. Encourage your teen to share their
ambitions with you. Help them to work
towards their goals. If they know that you are there for them, encouraging and
supporting them through life they are likely to share their hopes and dreams
with you. It is important that your teen is encouraged to have their own
ambitions and goals. It can be tempting to encourage them to follow dreams that
you have for them.
Parents and carers can be disapproving and suggest that their
teenager's ambition is not realistic or achievable but how can you be certain
that this is the case?
It may be that they decide they wish for a career in music
but you do not consider that they are very musical. Despite this you can
encourage them to explore possible routes to achieving their dream. It may be
that they do not succeed in becoming a full time musician but they gain great
satisfaction from joining a choir, for example.
Equally, you may have high hopes for them to be an artist
while they have little interest in painting.
If your teenager asks your opinion then it is good to be
honest with your teen but if they haven't asked your opinion it may be better
to listen to them and encourage them to explore the options available to them.
At times your teen may succeed and at other times they
experience drawbacks and failure. At these times your help, support and
encouragement will be particularly valuable.
38. Career Choices:
Some teenagers have very clear ideas on what they would like
to be when they leave school and they hold this view from a young age. Other
teenagers find it very hard to decide what they 'want to be when they grow up.'
There are difficult choices to make. It may be that they
receive useful career advice in school but due to budget cuts this advice is
not as widespread as you might think.
If your teen has little career guidance in school you can
help them to research possible career options.
A good site for parents., carers and teens is:
It explains how apprenticeships work. It covers Higher Education
and how to fund your training.
Young children often have clear ideas of what they want to be
when they grow up but as they get older this can be more difficult.
Your main role is to listen to your teen and to help them
explore the options available to them.
They may need more help than they make out. They may value
your advice when filling in application forms for example. It is hard to sell
yourself and it can be a lot easier to hear what others think your strengths
are.
Encourage and support your teen in their chosen career path.
If they know that they can rely on you during good and bad times they are
likely to feel supported and cared about.
39. Further Education:
Some teens may decide to go on to Further Education after
leaving school. Others may wish to leave education as soon as possible.
The following website tells you what age you can leave school
in UK:
If your teenager decides that they wish to go to college or
university in future, you can help them to get the right advice about the best
possible courses and institutions for them.
Depending on their exam grades, they will be given a rage of
places to choose from. They may decide they want to live at home and go to
their local college or they may prefer to move away to the university of their
dreams.
The Student Room provide useful advice to anyone wishing to
go to university:
When making such an important decision it is important that
your teenager knows what grants and loans are available to them.
The following site provides a useful overview:
It is important that every teen makes a decision that is
right for them. For some, university is the best option for them but for others
an alternative choice may suit them more.
Your role is vital. Listen carefully to what your teen wants
to do with their life and then you will be in the best position to offer
relevant help and advice.
40. Politics:
Politics can be a real area of tension in families,
particularly if you do not share the same views as your teenager.
We have undergone a period of voter apathy recently but this
appears to be changing as more and young people are starting to insist that
their voice is heard.
Youth Parliament UK is an organisation that encourages young
people to get involved in politics:
It is a good idea to be well informed about the various
political parties, so when your teenager asks questions you are able to answer
them accurately.
It is helpful to discuss your views with your teenager in a
balanced way and to respect their difference of opinion. Being able to share
opinions and have informed debates are useful life skills. If you model this
then your teen is likely to adopt this approach and learn how to make their
voice heard clearly and concisely.
41. Crime:
Teenagers can get involved in crime just as anyone can. If
your teenager is committing crimes they run the risk of getting caught and this
is likely to affect their future. If you suspect that your teen is risking
getting into trouble with The Law it is important that you communicate your
concerns to them. Make sure you have the full facts before confronting them as
you will alienate them if you falsely accuse them of doing something.
Teenage crime can range from getting involved in violent
gangs, to shop-lifting, drug taking and under-age drinking.
The following website provides you with useful facts.
It tells you how your teens crime can impact on you and
details Youth Crime Prevention
Programmes.
Once you have the facts you are in the best position to help
your teen. Your local Youth Offending Team can help you to discover what help
is available in your local area. Whatever your teen has done, if you work to
keep communicating with them you are in the best possible position to help them
though this difficult time.
42. Volunteering:
Volunteering can be enormously rewarding and can provide
young people with valuable work experience.
The following website
can provide you with useful advice and suggestions about suitable volunteer
opportunities:
Volunteering is a great way of giving something back and it
can really raise your self-esteem.
If your teen is finding it hard to find a job, then
volunteering could be an excellent alternative.
What is your teenager interested in? They may like being in the
countryside so may appreciate Conservation Volunteering.
If your teen likes people they may be able to volunteer to
help people.
They may like animals and enjoy raising money for a local
sanctuary.
Any efforts to give to others in this way should be encouraged.
A lot of satisfaction can be gained when you help others and encouraging your
teen to try this for themselves could be an excellent way forward.
In addition to this, many employers prioritise applicants who
have relevant work experience. They appreciate the effort the applicant has
gone to. Volunteer experience also gives your teen something to discuss with
their potential employer at the interview. Volunteering can help you to learn
about others and to consider the needs of others rather than yourself.
43. Exercise:
Getting enough exercise is very important. Some teens lead
very sedentary lives, rarely venturing out of the house. If this is the case,
you could encourage them to come out for a walk with you or join you in some
exercise. They may enjoy swimming or
dancing and could be encouraged to join a swimming or dancing club.
They may decide to take up jogging and you could support them
in this by providing them with appropriate footwear.
In many playing fields now, a range of gym equipment has been
installed to encourage people to get fitter. It is a good idea to model a
healthy lifestyle yourself. If you get little or no exercise it is a bit much
to expect your teen to start taking part. Maybe you could both take up exercise
and encourage one another to get fit.
Establishing a healthy exercise routine will really help your
teen in future.
A useful site to visit is:
It explores a range of ways to get fit.
Little and often is the key. Some teenagers get very involved
in exercise one minute and then give up. Setting small, achievable fitness
goals is a positive way forward. Teenagers can reward themselves when they
reach their exercise goals. With you there encouraging them and cheering them
on, they are likely to start appreciating the benefits of a healthy exercise
regime.
44. Inequality:
As teens grow they begin to notice life's inequalities. They
may come from a family who hasn't got much money while their friends are well
off, for example. They start to realise that life can appear unfair at times
with some people appearing to 'have it all' while other people are starving. It
is a good idea to listen to your teen and talk to them about the importance of
treating other people fairly. You can tell them that they will have more
influence than they think and that people will listen to them if they treat
others fairly. We can all make a difference and set an example in order to
begin to address the inequality issue.
Discuss Inequality
with your teen. When something happens on The News and it seems unjust,
ask your teen their opinion and be willing to share your view.
If your teen is given the opportunity to find out about
issues that affect their world they are likely to become well balanced and
informed individuals.
If they believe something to be unfair, encourage them to
speak up. If your teen grows up with a strong sense of justice, they are likely
to speak out when they see other people
being bullied of treated unfairly.
It is simply unjust that some groups in society are excluded.
If your teen feels able to discuss this with you they will learn that being
well informed and being prepared to speak in defence of others who are less
fortunate is a good thing.
When your teen goes out of their way to help others to ensure
they are given a fair chance, this should be encouraged and praised.
Adults are in a position to positively influence their
children. The way we can influence others is by being clear and fair. This
involves listening to others, being willing to accept that other people have
different opinions but if we truly believe something is unfair, we should be
willing to stand up and be counted. If we can pass this message on to our teens
it will have a positive impact on The World.
45. Lack Of Sleep:
Teenagers are growing rapidly and developing continuously, so
it is important that they get enough sleep. The problem is that many of them
stay up very late and have a tendency to want to lie-in in the morning. While
this may be acceptable in the holiday, they need to get up on time for school
and work. Studies have suggested that teens benefit from at least 8 hours sleep
a night but only around 15% get this on school nights. This will affect their
concentration and ability to function when given school work so is an important issue.
When teenagers are younger it is somewhat easier to influence
them. It is a good idea to limit the amount of time they watch TV or play
computers just before bed as it has been found that watching TV and looking at
computer screens close to bed-time can affect ability to sleep. Drinking
alcohol or having drinks containing caffeine can also disturb sleep. Don't
forget, it isn't just coffee that contains caffeine, as energy drinks and tea
also contain it.
If you can get your young teen used to a routine where they
stop watching screens at least an hour before bed and they avoid drinking
caffeine, they are more likely to sleep well. If they establish this routine
when young they are more likely to stick to the routine when they get older.
46. Social Life:
Some teens are very sociable and have an active social life
while others are less sociable and rarely go out. It is good to have a healthy
balance between studying, relaxing at home and socialising. Some teenagers spend almost all their time
out of the house socialising with their friends. They neglect their studies,
fail to eat well and stay up late. At the other end of the spectrum some
teenagers are very shy and withdrawn and hardly leave the house.
If your teenager is out for much of the time, it is advisable
to talk to them and let them know that they are overdoing things. Let them know
that they need to get their homework done regularly and that you would like
them to be home early on set days. You could compromise by inviting their
friends round sometimes rather than your teen being out all the time.
If your teen is very shy, withdrawn and never goes out, it
would be good to try and encourage them to mix a little with other people. They
may agree to invite a friend to the cinema if you agree to buy the tickets, for
example.
Social Networking is a way for teenagers to communicate with
one another. Sites such as Facebook and
Twitter are used frequently by teens. Make sure that your teen understands how
to keep themselves safe on-line and that they can report abuse via the sites so
that they can enjoy trouble-free communication.
47. Popularity:
Some teenagers are very popular among their peers, while others
have a few close friends. Popularity really matters to some teens while others
couldn't care less!
Providing they are happy it doesn't really matter how popular
they are but if this is an area that really affects them, you can talk to them
about this issue. Some teenagers care so much about what others think of them
that they find it hard to think for themselves.
Tell your teenager they are unique and that they need to
discover the things that make them happy. They should not be so influenced by
their peers that they stop doing things they enjoy. Teenagers often consider
the opinions of their friends over the opinions of their parents. Sometimes
their friends do not always offer the best advice. When this happens it can be
frustrating to stand by and wish your teen would listen to you. If this happens
to you, try to remain calm and continue
to communicate with them. You may well find that they will eventually fall out
with their friends and at that point they will need you more than ever.
We live in the age
of 'The Cult Of The Celebrity.' People are propelled to success after appearing
on a Reality TV Show, for example.
Some people become over-night 'YouTube' sensations. People
compete to see how many 'likes' they can get via Social Media and they can
become obsessed by receiving their share of the limelight.
You can help to combat this by noticing the kind things your
teen does. Point out the 'unsung heroes' in society. These include people who
help others every day such as fire-fighters and nurses.
If your teen realises that
being popular is not as important as being a good and caring person,
they will start to get things into perspective.
48. Tattoos:
Tattoos are very popular among many teenagers. Some adults
worry about this as tattooing is permanent in many cases. Before going ahead with a tattoo it is
important that you find a reputable, hygienic tattoo artist. Teenagers need to
be 18 before having a tattoo.
Before going ahead, your teen should remember that their
tastes may change and when they get older they may regret having a tattoo of
something or someone they no longer have in their life. It is risky to have the
name of a girl or boyfriend tattooed on their body, for example. They may
think that they will love this person
forever but this may not be the case.
They need to think where the tattoo should be located. It is
a good idea to have it somewhere where it can easily be covered up if
necessary. Some companies insist that tattoo's are covered up when you work for
them. This could affect your teenager's job prospects in the future.
If your teen has considered the matter very carefully and
still decides to go ahead they need to provide the tattoo artist with relevant health details. The tattoo
artists need to know if their clients
suffer from any allergies etc. After the tattoo has been finished they should
provide their client with after-care instructions. Your teenager needs to be
aware that although laser removal of tattoos can be successful in some cases
here are many examples of tattoo removal failing or leaving nasty scars so they
should take time to fully consider the costs and benefits before deciding to go
ahead.
49. Religious Beliefs:
Religion can create unity or it can create division in
families. Some parents and carers are religious while their teenagers are not.
On the other hand some parents are not at all religious and their teenager
develops a strong faith. This can cause tension in families. If you are
religious and your teenager does not share your faith, this can be upsetting.
They may have no faith or a different faith. If this happens to you or your
teenager becomes religious and you are firmly against it then the best way
forward is to listen to your teenagers point of view. Take them seriously and
they are more likely to listen to you.
We are all entitled to our opinions and beliefs and reacting
strongly to your teenager because their don't share your beliefs is unlikely to
improve things. Try and find out as much as you can about your teenagers chosen
religion. Being informed will help you to separate fact from myth. The
important thing is to encourage your teen to live a good life by being kind to
others. It doesn't much matter what a person believes it is their actions that
count most.
50. Independence:
The teenage years are associated with increased independence.
For some teenagers they become increasingly independent and make good
decisions. Their parents and carers are happy with their life-choices. For
other teenager's, their parents and carers find it very difficult to accept
that they are becoming independent while some teenager's they are extremely
reluctant to start doing more things for themselves.
If your teenager has a physical difficulty or a special need
they may require additional support and it can be hard to decide the
appropriate level of risk they should be allowed to take in order to grow while
keeping themselves safe.
In many ways it is a time of trial and error for us all. When
we have children we are not handed a manual that tells us how things should be
done. We have not studied a degree in
Childcare and for many of us we may not have a support network offering us
useful advice.
If we think looking after young children is hard at times we
can sometimes find the teenage years even harder.
When they ask if they can go to a party we have to weigh up
the pro's and cons before coming to a decision. We make a decision and we still
don't know if we have 'got it right.'
It is fair to say we get it wrong sometimes and so do our
teens.
Providing we have considered things carefully and have
encouraged our teenager to assess the benefits and risks then we shouldn't be
too hard on ourselves if we sometimes get it wrong.
We can admit to our teen that we made an error in judgement
and that way our teenager will realise that it is OK to make mistakes as we can
all learn from them.
51. Helping Others:
It is good to encourage your teenager to be helpful towards
others. Giving to others and helping members of the community really helps make
the world a better place. If you model being kind to others this is likely to
rub off on your teenager. Even encouraging your teenager to be friendly and
polite can make all the difference. They could donate unwanted toys to
charities that give toys to children in need, for example. When teenagers
experience the joy of giving they are likely to want to repeat this. Any effort
to be kind and helpful to others is to be encouraged.
Sometimes just listening to a lonely person can be enough to
help them. Being there for people and letting them know you care can help them
to cope with difficulties in their lives.
Voluntary work can be
very rewarding but more importantly the way you treat people on a daily basis
has the most impact.
Teach your teenager that they should treat others in the way
that they would wish to be treated. Do this yourself. If you wish your teen
communicated better with you then try and improve the way you communicate with
them. If you do this they are likely to respond positively to your new
approach.
It is never too late to change. If you teach your teenager
that being kind and helpful to others makes life happier for all they will
discover that you are right if they decide to try it.
52. Fashion:
Many teenagers are very interested in fashion. They like to
look good wearing all the latest trends. This is fine if what they wear is
affordable and they do not take things too seriously but it can become a
problem when teenagers cannot afford all the
fashion items that they crave. Teenagers can be very competitive and
focussed on appearance. It is important that they are able to keep this in
perspective. It is nice to look good but there are many other factors to focus
on. The way they treat people is at least as important as what they wear. If
your teenager is starting to get too preoccupied by fashion you can help them
by praising aspects of their character that don't relate to appearance. Point
out the good qualities of celebrities without commenting on their appearance.
This can help remind your teenager that society values many aspect of people's
personality.
Some teenagers have a real flair for fashion and they may
decide to take it up as a career. In which case you can help them by
researching how they can make their hobby into a career. They could attend
university or art college and gain a useful qualification.
There are a number of useful websites that can give useful
advice on where to study in order to stand the best possible chance of success
in this competitive field:
53. Friendships:
To many people, friendships are the easiest thing in the
world. They are uncomplicated and positive
but there are many other people, adults and children alike, who struggle
with friendships. Teens can find friendships even more difficult as the teenage
years are a time of change. Teens often change schools and develop new
friendships at around this time and peer pressure is very significant.
If your teen finds friendships difficult, reassure them that
they are not alone in this. Let them talk and be prepared to listen. Sometimes
they fall out with their friends. To you the reason many appear trivial but to
them it can seem like the end of the world. Again, take them seriously, listen
and reassure them.
Sometimes your teen has no issue with their friends, it is
you that does not approve of their friendship. It may be that a certain
teenager has a bad reputation and you may worry that they may become a bad
influence.
Try not to jump to conclusions. What proof do you have of
your concerns? Sometimes the information that circulates about some young
people can be greatly exaggerated or completely untrue. Try and get to know
your teenagers friends and make your own mind up.
If a teenager is leading your teenager astray and does not
respond to warnings from you then it may
be time to intervene. Make clear your concerns to your teen
and set your expectations. It may be that you are willing to let their friend
come round to your house a limited number of times per week but you are not
willing to let them socialise away from home, for example.
54. Puberty:
The onset of puberty can be a difficult time for all
concerned. It often occurs at around the age of 14. Your teenager may find all
the mental and physical changes going on in their body quite overwhelming at
times. At this time they are likely to be prone to mood swings and can lash out
at their nearest and dearest very easily.
NHS Choices have useful information on the stages of puberty.
It is helpful to know these stages so that you can best help your teen as they
grow.
This is a good time to listen carefully to your teen. Be
patient with them, listen to them and they will appreciate that you really are
there for them. If they want advice they will ask for it. More often than not
they just want to know that you are there for them, willing to make time for
them and listen to them carefully.
55. Embarrassment:
The teenage years can be years of extreme embarrassment for
some teens. Some change from being full of self confidence to being socially awkward
and incredibly self-conscious almost overnight. Not only do they feel
embarrassed at their own thoughts, feelings and words they can also become
excruciatingly embarrassed by things that their parents and siblings say. This
can offend their family. They may have been very proud of their family
previously then all of a sudden they go to great lengths to avoid their friends
getting anywhere near them.
They can stop laughing at your jokes and start rolling their
eyes when you express your opinion. This can hurt!
Try not to take it personally. Accept that this is a phase
and is very common. Many teens pass through this stage fairly quickly. It is
part of them growing up and forging their own identity. They are starting to
form their own ideas and opinions and these may clash with yours.
Keep listening to your teen and be patient with them.
56. Divorce:
Divorce can be a very painful experience for everyone. The
people splitting up are suffering and so are their family and friends.
Teenagers can find this particularly hard as they may have taken their family
life for granted, only to discover that the family unit is breaking apart.
While it is impossible to completely shield your teen from
family break up you can do a lot to ease the pain. Be honest with your teen.
They are often very aware of any tensions in the family and
they may well have heard the arguments. They may not realise
exactly what is happening and so they may be trying to guess what the problem
is and many may wrongly blame themselves.
If you are splitting up with your partner make sure that you
both agree on what changes are going to take place. One of you may be leaving
the family home, for example. If this is the case then make sure you break the
news to your teenager gently. Make clear exactly what will happen and how it
will affect them. Make sure you agree contact visits in advance so you can
communicate clearly to your teenager.
They are likely to be very upset and could lash out in anger.
Aim to contain their emotions by listening to them and reassuring them that
both parents still love them and will continue to be there for them.
'Family Lives ' offers useful advice and support to families
going through this difficult stage.
It can be tempting to be critical about the other parent to
you teen but this puts unfair pressure on them as they are likely to have
divided loyalties. They love you but they also love the other parent.
It can be very difficult when your relationship ends,
particularly if your ex-partner has treated you unfairly. It may be that they
are refusing to pay maintenance and this could be leaving you in financial
difficulty.
This may leave you feeling angry and again, it is tempting to
complain to your teen but this is not their fault and it is not helpful to drag
them into this situation.
If your ex-partner criticises you to your teen this can make
it even more tempting to retaliate by pointing out their shortcomings to your
teen. Try to avoid this as your teenager needs to make their own mind up about
their parents and it is up to them if they wish to continue seeing both
parents.
57. Moving House:
Many teenagers can find it hard to adjust to the news that
they are going to move house particularly if this means that they will be
moving out of the area where they grew up to move far away from their friends.
They may find it difficult to make the transition to a new school, particularly
if this is during their exam years.
If the house-move cannot be avoided, it is best to be honest
with your teen. Make sure you give them all the details that they will need
including what the new home is like and what their bedroom will be like.
Arrange for them to visit the new area before you move if at all possible. It
would be very helpful for them to visit their new school too. Once your
teenager has the facts they can put aside some of their fears.
You can encourage them to stay in touch with close friends by
allowing their old friends to visit your new home. Your teenager is likely to
feel reassured that they will still be able to see them from time to time. They
are likely to make new friends pretty soon but catching up with old friends is
likely to reassure them in the early days.
It may be possible to keep your teenager at their old school
if they are in the middle of important exams and then they can move schools
once the exams are over.
If this is not possible then it would be helpful for you to
make contact with the new school to find out what exam boards they use and how
hard it will be for your teenager to catch up on any work they have missed.
Your teenager may adjust very quickly to their new life or
they may take time to get used to new people and places.
Talk to your teen and listen to what they have to say. They
will be able to let you know how they are feeling and then you will be able to
support them through any difficulties that they are having with adjusting to
their new life.
58. Self Harm:
It can be very shocking to discover that your teenager has
been self harming. It is natural to want the best for your child and to
discover they are harming themselves can be very hard to accept. It is also
difficult to know what to do to support them. There are many reasons why people
self harm so it is a good idea not to try and guess the reason.
The NSPCC have a very useful website that helps you to spot
the signs and gives you tips on how to approach the problem.
It also offers possible reasons for this behaviour.
Many teenagers who self-harm don't really know exactly why
they do it but aim to release overwhelming emotions that they have had
difficulty dealing with.
Some teens who self harm are also depressed.
Whatever the reason for their behaviour it is important to
keep communicating with them. Listen to them. Try not to judge them.
If they feel that you are genuinely there to listen to them
and that you accept them unconditionally, this will help them to feel less
isolated and can help them to begin to find less damaging ways of releasing
their painful emotions.
59. Cyber-Bullying:
Cyber-bullying is an unpleasant form of bullying. The website Family Lives
offers useful advice about this subject. Parents and carers can be totally
unaware that their child is being cyber-bullied. They may not even have heard
of the concept.
It is important to inform yourself about the signs and what
to do if you discover that this is happening to your teen so that you can give
the best possible advice to them.
If they are being bullied on social media sites such as
Facebook or Twitter there are buttons
that can be used to report abuse.
You as a parent can help by taking interest in what your teen
is doing online. If they become shifty when you approach them while they are on
the computer this may be a sign that something untoward is happening.
Talk to your teen about keeping themselves safe online.
Learn about CEOP. They offer very useful advice about keeping
safe online.
Even if your teen is not being bullied or doing the bullying,
it is important that they realise that by sharing negative posts about others
they are making life unpleasant for others. They are part of the problem if
they get involved in this way. If they find that their friend is being
cyber-bullied, explain that they can help by not sharing negative posts and
encouraging them to stand up for themselves by reporting the abuse.
If you stand up to bullies by reporting their behaviour in
this way, they are likely to leave you alone. If they continue with the abuse
they run the risk of having their account deleted and further action may be
taken against them.
60. Suicidal Thoughts:
If your teen is having suicidal thoughts it is important to ask for help. NHS choices offers very useful advice on this.
They offer the Childline contact details. Childline offers
great advice and support on a range of issues including this one. Many children
and young people use Childline because it is anonymous and easily accessible.
Their phone number is 0800 1111
It is a good idea for your teen to know of this number in
case they or their friends ever need the support of trained counsellors. They
can also make contact via email.
It is well worth visiting the site yourself to see what is
available. There is even a useful video to watch letting people know what
happens when they make a call to Childline.
This is very useful as some people fear the unknown and this
may be the barrier that prevents them from getting help.
If your teen is having suicidal thoughts and they have told
you this, you are in a position of trust. Praise them for telling you and listen
to them very carefully so that you are in the best possible position to advise
them on what to do next.
If they have confided in someone else and you receive this
information second hand, it can hurt to discover that they have trusted someone
other than you with this important information. Try not to take this personally
as the main thing is that they have told someone which is the first step
towards getting help.
It may well be that they were trying to spare your feelings
because they don't want you to worry.
Some teenagers are part of a church or youth group. There may
be someone there that they can talk to about their feelings.
A visit to the GP is also very useful as they can assess if
any forms of treatment are needed.
The important thing is for your teen to feel that they are
not alone, that you are there for them and that you are happy that they have
felt able to talk about their feelings.
61. Shyness:
Some teenagers are painfully shy. They can find it very hard
to be around other people and can blush easily.
The website Kidshealth offers helpful advice on this subject.
Adjusting to new people and places can be difficult for them
and they can come across as unfriendly which can make the situation worse.
If your teen is shy, they will benefit from you being patient
with them and waiting for them to open up to you. Let them take their time.
They may find it very difficult to talk to you about their feelings without
getting very flustered and tongue-tied. Be patient with them and let them talk
when they are ready. Knowing that you are there for them and willing to listen
to them will help them overcome their feelings of shyness and help them to
communicate how they feel.
The kinds of situations that make them feel shy may vary.
Some people find one to one discussions difficult while others fear small
groups or large crowds.
Some situations can feel totally overwhelming to them.
Encourage them to take things one step at a time. If they find going out in large groups
difficult, maybe they can start by going out with a trusted friend and slowly
build to a small group before pushing themselves to attend large social gatherings,
for example.
It can be helpful to go out for a walk or a drive with your
teen rather than talking to them face to face. They may find it easier to open
up to you while you are driving or walking along.
62. Eating Disorders:
It can be devastating to discover that your teen has
developed an eating disorder.
Kidshealth offer useful advice on this subject.
They have advice for children, advice for teens and advice
for parents.
If you suspect that your child does have an eating disorder
it is important to read up on the facts. There are different disorders and the
treatments for each disorder can vary.
Anorexia and bulimia are two of the most common.
Some teens have a real fear of weight gain while some purge
themselves or binge-eat. Some teens exercise all the time to prevent themselves
from gaining weight.
Many people who develop an eating disorder are teenagers. The
reasons for this vary. There are a lot of pressures on teenagers these days.
They may be worried about exams, they
may be responding to peer pressure and they may be feeling that they do not
have enough control over their lives. Eating disorders should be taken
seriously. In the most extreme cases the victim can experience malnutrition and
even death.
As eating disorders involve the mind and the body, effective
treatment involves looking after the mind and body.
Some teens are willing to be treated and can be referred for
help via their G.P.
Some may resist this but agree to counselling or another form
of therapy.
NHS Choices offers good advice here.
Treatment available can vary depending on where you live.
Your local health centre should be able to let you know of the treatments
available.
Life can be very hard for people with eating disorders, their
friends and families. The NHS website offers advice on what you can do to
support someone who has an eating disorder.
The path to recovery can be very long and slow. Tiny steps
forward can be made followed by big jumps back. The key is to keep listening,
keep reassuring your teen that you are there for them.
Also be aware that some websites that ay they are here to
help people suffering from eating disorders are really sites where they teach
teens how to disguise their eating disorder from their family and friends so
that they can continue to starve themselves.
Before recommending a website to your teen check it out for
yourself first to make sure that the advice that they are giving is likely to
be helpful for your teen.
63. Media:
The media has a huge role to play in teen life these days.
Something happening in one part of the world can be shared across the world in
seconds. This can be very useful when passing on important messages but can be
devastating if the news is malicious or unfair.
In the past, news took much longer to spread. Teenagers have
grown up with the constant availability of The Internet. It has its good and
bad points. Social media is exciting and can enhance your teens life. On the
other hand it can be a source of misery for some.
Magazines offer glossy photographs of beautiful, slim models
and popular airbrushed celebrities. As teens grow and end up with spots and
greasy hair they can start comparing themselves negatively to these
celebrities. Even looking at the their friends looking happy and well dressed
on Social media can add to their feelings of inadequacy.
What your teen may forget is people usually choose their best
photo's to post on Social Media. Celebrities insist on photo's of them looking
their best and so media can give your teen the false impression that everyone
is more beautiful than they are!
The information we receive in the media is not always well
presented and balanced.
Talk about this with your teen. Teach them that there are
reliable and unreliable sources of information available on the Internet.
How do you know what you are reading is true?
Who is being quoted? How do you know this information is
reliable?
It is good to think about answers to these questions yourself
before discussing this with your teen.
When we study for exams we are asked to make quotes from
reliable sources. We learn that there are facts and there are opinions. The
accuracy of opinions can vary. Statistics can be manipulated to make something
look good in order to prove someone's point.
Always question what you read and encourage your teen to do
likewise.
Point out that some magazines and newspapers are politically
biased and so are likely to be presenting information to prove a particular
political point.
If you can encourage your teen to question what they see and
hear you will be teaching them an important life skill that will help them
greatly throughout their lives.
64.Social Networking:
Social Networking is a
very popular tool. Your teen may well love using it and be oblivious of the
dangers. From time to time experts visit schools and before attending they ask
for the name and age of a number of pupils. They research what information they can find out
about these pupils just by using Social Media. What they find can be truly
alarming.
Your profile on Social Media can be set to be viewed be
friends and family or it can be set for anyone to view it.
Even if your teen has a high security setting on their
profile if friends have less secure settings they can share your teens posts
with the wider world. This is harmless if the posts do not reveal sensitive
information about your teen but this can be a concern if your teen has shared
private information.
When they arrive at the school for the talk, the expert
shares the information that they have managed to glean with the teen concerned.
This can truly shock the teen. They don't always realise that people can find out
where they live and what electrical goods that they have in the house just by
reading their posts. This is because people often share photographs that can
give away this kind of information. They may be photographed proudly holding up
their new play-station, for example. That way any potential burglars can see if
their house is worth burgling by looking at the gifts that your teen has
proudly displayed. The experts then give the teens tips on how to stay safe on
line.
Social Networking is a great way of keeping in touch with
people who live far away. It is a very positive tool when used in the right
way. Over-use can lead to your teen leading a rather superficial life. It is
important that they balance time spent using Social Media with spending time out
in the real world.
65. Video Games:
Video games can be very exciting. Technology has advanced to
the extent that graphics can be very realistic and appealing to your teen. Many
of their friends have all the latest games and so it is understandable that
your teen may crave them too.
The first thing to consider is the appropriateness of the
game being played. Just like with watching films, video games have a
certificate applied to them letting you know what age the game is suitable for.
It is illegal to sell a game to an under-age person. This doesn't mean that
everyone sticks to these rules so there is a risk that your child will come
across games that they are not legally allowed to play.
You know your child better than anyone. If they find it hard
to distinguish fact from fantasy they are more likely to be damaged from
playing a game before they are the right age than if they are mature and
sensible. If you feel that a game is inappropriate for your child do not be
afraid to tell them so. You can confiscate the game and give it to them when
they are older. They may be angry with you if you do this but if you calmly
point out your reasons they are likely to respect your decision.
Games can be fun if played in moderation but there are
concerns that many teenagers play games for far too may hours. This is not
healthy and should be discouraged. Some games are interactive and can be played
with friends on-line. This means your teen can communicate with their friends
while they play. This is fine if their friends behave appropriately but some
people use this as an opportunity to behave in an abusive way to others. Some
deliberately ruin the game for fun which can be upsetting to your teen. Some
people claim to be young teens and create a false profile when they are really
a predatory adult.
Warn your teen that this sometimes happen so that they do not
give away personal information to people that they do not know.
If your teen gets upset while playing an on-line game make
sure you supervise what is going on to make sure that it is nothing serious.
66. Films:
Films are enjoyed by many of us. Once again they have a
certificate attached to them letting you know of any age restrictions. Some films can be very entertaining for the
right audience but deeply disturbing for others. Some films are very violent
and this can have a very negative influence on your teen.
Once you have decided which films are appropriate for your
teen it is good to watch the chosen films with your teen so any issues raised
can be discussed. Watching films can be a good way of bringing up difficult issues such as domestic
abuse. After watching a film you can discuss what happened to the character.
Allow your teen to express their feelings on the issues and listen to them
carefully. That way you can address misconceptions they might have and provide
them with any factual information that they need.
Some films are adaptations of books. This can be a good way
of encouraging reluctant readers to read more. Harry Potter and Lord Of the
Rings spring to mind.
Some films vary a lot from the book that they are inspired
by. It can be very rewarding reading the book and then watching the film with
your teen. You can discuss the things you liked as well as the things you
disliked.
Some films are regarded as classics and are enjoyed by people
of any age especially at Christmas time.
Watching films at home can be an affordable form of
entertainment that you can share with your teen even if going to the cinema
proves to be too expensive.
If your teen is struggling with their English coursework find
out if the text they are studying has a film associated with it. Watching the
film with your teen,, taking an interest in it and discussing the characters
and plot can greatly enhance your teens understanding of the text.
67.Abuse:
There are several forms of abuse and they are all extremely
damaging. There have been a number of
recent scandals that have highlighted incidents of sexual
abuse that have affected teens over many years. Some of the these crimes were
committed by high profile celebrities and this has left may people reeling. It
is hard to imagine that anyone would deliberately abuse a teenager.
Abuse can be physical, sexual
and it can be emotional. All leave their scars.
If you teen is abused by someone they are likely to find it
very hard to talk about. If they do pluck up the courage to tell someone they
need to be taken seriously.
The police become involved where there are allegations of
child abuse. They have highly trained staff who know the right questions to ask and how to support teenagers
through the process.
If your teenager discloses to you that someone has been
abusing them it is important that you make use of these services.
Sometimes the allegations made turn out to be false or they
can't be substantiated. Whatever the outcome this kind of experience can be
devastating for families. Counselling is available to help teens through this
difficult time and can really help them to begin the healing process.
If your teen has been a victim of abuse and they feel able to
talk to you it is important that you listen to them.
If they are speaking out about a loved one it can be very
hard to believe their story. They need to be taken seriously unless it can be
proved that they are not telling the truth.
If they are lying then there may be a reason for the lies
which you can explore with the right help and support.
'Stop it Now' offers useful advice on what to do if you
suspect someone is being abused. Their advice is confidential.
68. Anxiety:
Anxiety can be very hard to deal with. If you suffer from anxiety yourself you will
know that there is no point in someone telling you 'not to worry and that
everything will be OK.'
If you suffer from anxiety it can really impact on your life.
It is upsetting to discover that your teen is suffering from
anxiety. You may find it hard to imagine what they have to worry about or you
may wish you could just take their problems away for them.
'Youngminds' have put together very useful advice on how to
support your teen with this. They also have a free helpline for parents that
you can call for support.
Some teenagers really worry about growing up. They worry
about their health, family, friends, their school work, World affairs, everything.
It can be hard for them to share their fears and many keep it
all bottled up inside. It can help them to know that you are there for them and
are always ready to listen. If they feel heard they will start to feel
reassured and they may begin to feel less anxious knowing they can share their
fears with you.
In some cases anxiety can become a real problem. If it is
really starting to affect the quality of your teens life they may need further
help and support.
Anxiety can be effectively treated with talking therapies
including counselling. In some cases it can be treated with medication.
Encourage your teen to visit the GP so that they can help
them to decide on the best form of treatment.
69. Bereavement:
When someone close to us dies it can be very hard for
everyone to deal with. It can be particularly hard for teens especially if they
have not experienced death before. 'Cruse' offer invaluable support for people
coping with loss. Teenagers are more aware of the long term implications of losing
someone than younger children but this news occurring at a time when they are
rapidly growing and developing can be a real shock to the system. They may seek
support from their friends or they may be willing to talk to you about how they
feel.
Knowing that your teen is struggling with bereavement can be
very hard on you particularly if you were also close to the person who has
died. Your teen may lash out and take out their feelings on you at the very
time when you feel least able to cope with this.
It is important that you receive help and support yourself in
order to be able to support your teen.
People go through distinct stages when they experience grief.
They can experience denial where they refuse to believe that
the news is true.
They can experience extreme anger when they begin to realise
that the news is real and that their loved one really isn't coming back. They
can experience something known as bargaining where they start saying things
like 'if only we had done this then that would not have happened.' They may
even do secret 'deals' with God or a higher force that they believe in saying,
' if you bring this person back to me I will...'
They can experience sadness and depression and eventually
acceptance.
Your teen can swing between these emotional states and find
it very hard to move on with their lives.
After initially receiving the news that a loved one has died,
your teen may also have to deal with attending a funeral,maybe for the first
time.
This may worry them as they know that a lot of people will be
gathered there and will be very upset. This can be hard for them to face but if
they are able to attend the funeral this can help them to experience a degree
of closure.
Grief is unique to each individual. Some people recover more
quickly than others. Listen to your teen.
Let them share how they feel with you. Be honest with them when you are
feeling upset yourself, you are only human and the news has been upsetting for
you too.
Some teenagers find it comforting to take flowers to the
graveside of their loved one while others find this upsetting. Your teen will
find what is right for them.
Recovering from grief takes time and some people find it very
hard to move on from this. Knowing that you understand this and that they can
talk about their feelings with you is likely to provide them wit a great source
of comfort.
70. Teen Carers:
Some teenagers care for another family member at home. This
person could be you.
It is rarely planned for a teenager to take over the care of
another person but sometimes this happens due to a families unique
circumstances.
Many teens show remarkable resilience and adapt very well to
being a Young Carer while others can appear to be coping but can experience
feelings of anxiety, isolation and resentment and also feel guilty for
experiencing these feelings.
NHS choices offers further insight in to this issue:
Young carers can be responsible for helping their parents or
a younger brother or sister with personal care. They may help around the house
performing duties such as cooking, cleaning and other housework.
In some cases the Young Carer can be reluctant to leave the
person that they are caring for as they feel protective towards them. This can
affect their school work and their social life.
Social Services can help to ensure that the needs of all the
family is met and that they receive respite care and any benefits that they may
be entitled to.
It is important to realise that you are entitled to the help
you need and you should not be afraid or ashamed to ask for help if you need
it. The Social Worker will carry out a 'Young Carers Needs Assessment.'
This can be used to help ensure
that they receive the appropriate support to help them in their role.
The Carers Direct helpline (0300
123 1053) offers confidential information and advice for carers.
71. Uncertainty About The Future:
If you watch The News regularly it is easy to become
overwhelmed with worry and uncertainty about the future. Climate Change and the
threat of terrorism are on the agenda regularly at the moment and it can be
very frightening for your teenager.
They have not got as much life experience as you so it can be
harder to maintain a sense of perspective when they hear bad news.
When something disastrous happens and it is reported on The
News it is good to be informed but
constant coverage can be frightening.
Talk to your teenager about what is happening and let them
share their fears so that you can give them accurate and useful information
rather than leaving them to worry alone.
Make sure that you are aware of the facts. Some reports can
be misleading and inaccurate.
If your teen asks questions try and find out accurate
answers. Teenagers respond best to honesty. If you don't have the answers it is
best to admit this to your teen.
As they grow teach your teen to question what they hear on
The News. Encourage them to consider if there may be missing information or
another side to the story.
Questioning what they read, see and hear helps teens to
become well balanced individuals.
Realising that some questions do not have simple answers and
knowing that the solutions to world problems can be complex will help your teen
to have a balanced view of life.
72. Sudden Changes In Behaviour:
It can be very worrying when your teen starts behaving
differently. Sudden changes in behaviour that seem out of character for your
teen can be alarming. If you are worried about them try asking them if anything
is bothering them. You can say that you have noticed that they don't seem quite
themselves at present.
They may open up to you and tell you the reason for their
mood change or they may not.
If they decide not to tell you what is bothering them you can
remind them that you are there for them if they change their mind and then
monitor them carefully for any signs of what might be the problem.
Changes in behaviour can be innocent or the reason can be
more serious. They may be experimenting with drugs or alcohol, for example. The
side effects of drug and alcohol experimentation could lead to mood changes in
your teen but it is important not to
jump to conclusions or expect the worst as this is likely to alienate your teen
if they are falsely accused of doing something that they haven't done. Stick to
facts. If you are sure that they are putting themselves at risk in some way and
this is leading to changes in their behaviour you will need to deal with this
situation but if you have no evidence try to stay calm and keep looking out for
clues as to your teens change of mood.
Remember mood swings are very common in the teenage years.
All the hormonal changes taking place in their body can leave them feeling
snappy or tearful.
73. Obesity:
Obesity is becoming a real concern in modern Britain and in
other parts of The World. There are a combination of possible reasons for this.
Many teenagers get less exercise than they did when they were younger. They may
be less involved in sport than they used to be and may be spending more time at
home playing computer games or watching T.V.
In addition, high fat but tempting junk food is easily
affordable and widely available. Pizza's can be ordered online and delivered
straight to your home and as we are all so busy these days many of us buy food
that is easy and quick to prepare.
Much of this food tends to be high in saturated fat which
adds to the problem. If your teen is slightly overweight. It is probably best
not to focus on it too much. You could encourage them to get more exercise by
offering to join them in a trip to the swimming pool or you could go for a walk
somewhere inspiring.
If your teen is seriously overweight it is important to
support them so that they can receive help and advice.
NHS choices offers advice on how you can support your teen
and what a G.P can do to help.
They also have a 12 week programme that could help you and your family
if you choose to lose weight:
74. Counselling:
Counselling can really help people to cope with difficulties
that they struggle to deal with in their lives. Sometimes all your teen needs
is a friend or family member to listen to them and maybe offer advice if they
ask for it but at other times when a problem persists then they may really
benefit from a counsellor.
Counselling can be accessed by people who need it via their
school or G.P.
There can be a waiting list but urgent cases are prioritised.
Counselling is confidential. The client builds up a
relationship with their counsellor to the point that they can share what is
upsetting them. The counsellor can explore their concerns and ask them
questions to help them to find more effective ways of dealing with challenges
in their lives. The process can take time and it takes a willingness to change.
The effects of counselling can be dramatic.
Counselling can help with anxiety, depression and a whole
host of other challenges. Cognitive behavioural therapy can also be extremely
helpful in assisting your teen to make positive changes in their life. Visit
NHS Choices to find out more about the help that is available:
75. High Expectations:
It is good to have high expectations so long as they are
realistic. If your expectations of your teen are too high then you may be setting
them up to fail.
It is good to have challenging goals to work towards but if
your teen is not very academic it may be unrealistic to expect them to get top
grades in their exams. If your teen is not sporty they are unlikely to be
selected for a sports team if they are not able to compete with the opposition.
Find out what your teens interests and talents are and praise
their achievements in that field.
It is OK to aim for something and to fail. You learn when you
fail and this helps you to get better next time.
Sometimes it is not you that has high expectations of your
teen. It may be another family member or it may be themselves. If the family
member is applying too much pressure it would be good for you to talk to them
and let them know that they are causing your teen unwarranted stress.
If they have overly high expectations of themselves they may
feel very disappointed if they do not achieve the goal they have set
themselves. This is where you can be there to listen to them, reassure them
that all is not lost and you can help
them to keep things in perspective.
It is good to expect the best from people as people can
achieve great things when other people have faith in their ability. It is great
to have high expectations of yourself and your teen and it is very rewarding
when people rise to meet these expectations.
If we don't aim very high we are unlikely to achieve much.
If we don't put ourselves forward for things because we fear
competition then we are unlikely to achieve our dreams.
Some people lack confidence in themselves and so they limit
their achievements.
As Henry Ford said,”If you think you can do a thing or you
think you can't do a thing, you are right!”
If we want something we sometimes need to risk what we
currently have in order to achieve what we desire.
If we never take a chance or risk failure our life can become
rather sheltered and dull.
Teach your teen that it is OK to try and fail and if we do
fall, we can pick ourselves up and try again. Being resilient is a vital life-skill.
76. Gangs:
Many parents and carers worry that their teenager may get
involved in a gang. Becoming a member of a gang can seem very appealing to some
teens. Being a member of a gang can help people feel part of something unique
and exciting. Gangs often have their own rules, their own distinct clothes and
give their members a strong sense of identity. Gangs are not necessarily
violent so if your teen gets involved in a gang don't assume the worst. Try and
find out what the gang is like. Are any of the members willing to come round to
your house so you can meet them? Is your son or daughter's behaviour affected
negatiely by being in the gang? If they seem unchanged then you probably do not
need to intervene but if they start getting into trouble and do not respond to
your rules any longer then you do need to talk to them and let them know your
concerns.
Many parents and carers worry that if their teen get involved
in a gang the members may be a bad influence on them. This is an understandable
concern but it is important to stick to the facts. Are you certain that gang members are influencing your teen
negatively? It is important not to jump to conclusions.
When you do share your concerns with your teen, make sure you
give them the opportunity to explain their point of view. Carefully consider
what they say before making any decisions but once you have decided what you
would like from your teen, communicate clearly with them.
You may decide that you want to limit the time they spend
with the gang including asking your teen to
return home by a certain time.
If your teen cooperates with you you can continue to monitor
the situation so that you can intervene when necessary.
If your teen does not cooperate and you believe that they are
in serious danger of getting involved in dangerous, illegal activity then the
best thing you can do is to consult the police who have trained officers who
can help you to deal with this situation.
77. Swearing:
Most teenagers swear at one time or another and this can
really upset their parents and carers. Some swear words are considered to be
more offensive than others. As teenagers grow, many go through a period of
rebellion. It can be exciting doing things that have been forbidden to do.
Swearing can seem exciting as it appears to challenge authority.
In addition to this, some parents and carers strongly
disapprove of their son or daughter swearing but have a tendency to swear
openly themselves.
If you have a tendency to swear it is important that you
explain to your teenager that there is a time and a place for everything and
some places are definitely not good places for swearing.
Swearing in school does not tend to go down very well so your
teen should be discouraged from swearing there. The Older Generation can be
particularly offended by swearing as it was much less acceptable 20 or more
years ago. Teach your teenager that while some people are amused by swearing
and many comedians swear, some people are deeply offended by it and so it is
unfair to swear in front of them as it causes unnecessary offence.
Swearing around people is not regarded as serious as swearing
at them. If someone is being sworn at they can feel directly challenges but
they may be more tolerant of someone swearing in general.
There are better ways of expressing our displeasure than
swearing. Excessive swearing is unimaginative and unproductive.
78. Dating Sites:
Many parents and carers can feel concern when their teen
starts dating. They naturally want the best for them and don't want the to get
hurt. Some teenagers use dating sites such as 'Plenty of Fish' or
'Tinder.' Both sites have age
restrictions designed to prevent youngsters from being exploited. Some teens
lie about their age and this can lead to problems.
Dating sites get their members to create a profile which
details their age and interests etc. If other members of the site are
interested they can make contact. If both parties like one another they can
choose to meet up.
It is important to remember safety rules when using dating
sites. It is best so meet in a public place and let someone know where you are
going and what time you will be back. It is best not to accept a lift from your
date so you should arrange transport to and from the venue yourself. These tips
are designed to keep people safe whatever their age.
It is particularly important that teens follow dating site
safety rules if they are going to use dating sites effectively. There are a
number of fake profiles circulating and some people are not who they say they
are.
If your teenager is making use to a dating site, talk to them
and explain that if they are going to use online dating they need to let you
know where they are going and what time they will be back so that you can help
to make sure that they are safe.
Dating sites can get a bad press as some married people
pretend they are single and some people go on dates and start relationships
with more than one person at a time. Some people say they are looking for a
long term relationship when they are really looking for a brief, sexual fling
so it, is important that your teenager
is aware of this so they can look out for people who don't appear sincere.
That said, teenagers can meet people socially who are not
suitable either so it is unfair to distrust all people who use dating sites as
the vast majority are single and are genuinely looking to meet someone nice. It
is good to look at internet dating as a way of introducing one person to
another. What happens next is up to the people concerned.
79. Pornography:
Many teenagers experiment with watching Porn. They may even
get hold of magazines or DVD's. It can be very shocking to some parents and
carers to discover that their teen has been watching Porn while some parents
and carers see this as an inevitable part of growing up.
Any pornography that uses violence or involves under-age sex
is definitely not appropriate content for teens. Some porn can be described as
'Soft Porn' and can be viewed by some people as less damaging. It is important
to be aware that it is illegal in UK for teenagers to watch Porn until they are
18.
One of the dangers is that if a someone watches a lot of Porn
they can end up with unrealistic attitudes towards sex and relationships. This
is largely because Porn is an act, it does not reflect reality. It is
exaggerated and unrealistic so if teenagers educate themselves about sex by
watching porn they are likely to end up with a confused view of what sex is
really like.
It is important that you ensure that your teenager knows 'the
facts of life.' If they have not received any sex education they are likely to
glean what information they can from The Internet and their friends and the may
miss out on some vital information around contraception, for example.
It can be very difficult talking to your teen about this
subject but if you suspect that they are watching Porn it is important that
they are aware of some of the risks associated with this.
80. Low Self Esteem:
Many teenagers suffer from low self esteem. They lack
confidence in their own ability and compare themselves unfavourably to others.
This can be distressing for parents and carers as they see
their teen go from a confident, happy-go-lucky person to someone who is shy and
timid.
It can be hard to work out why this happens. Some teenagers
are going through a developmental stage where they feel awkward and clumsy.
They fail to realise that other teens feel just as they do as they assume
everyone else is brimming with confidence. If this is happening to your teen,
listen to their worries and try not to interrupt. If your teen trusts you
enough to tell you what is worrying them, reward their trust by giving the
space and time that they need.
Often they are not looking for advice, just someone who cares
about them to listen to them.
Praise them for things that they do well at every
opportunity. If things go wrong, be there to help them pick up the pieces and
start again.
Failure can be upsetting but if you praise your teen for
attempting new challenges they will begin to realise that in life we need to
experience failure in order to grow and develop.
81. Learning Difficulties And Disabilities:
Some teenagers have learning difficulties or disabilities and
as they grow older they can become increasingly aware of them.
If someone has a learning difficulty they may not learn at
the same rate as their friends of the same age.
When they were younger they may have been less aware of their
differences but as they grow and mature some teens will start to compare
themselves unfavourably with their friends and ask why they can't do something
as well as them.
It may be that their friends are trusted to go to the shops
on their own while they require supervision. If this is the case it is a good
idea to be honest with your teen and explain to them in simple terms that they
have a learning difficulty or disability which means that while they can do a
lot for themselves independently they do need a bit more help than some of
their friends.
If they have a particular condition it is good to let them
know this and for them to be given the facts around their condition. There are
many websites that can help you and your teen learn more about specific
learning difficulties and disabilities.
If you are honest with your teenager they are likely to come
to terms with their differences knowing that their learning difficulty does not
mean that they should give up. They should be encouraged and supported to
follow their dreams just as every other teen should be.
If your teen is unlikely to
be able to live independently in future, you may be worried about what
will happen to them when you get old. They may also be worrying about this so
it is important that you talk about this so they don't worry alone.
Social Services can give you advice and support on accommodation
and opportunities for people with learning difficulties and disabilities.
82. School Refusing:
School refusing happens for a variety of reasons and can be
very distressing for your teen and worrying for you. You may discover that your
teen has been truanting from school or they may refuse to leave for school in
the morning.
It may be that the school has contacted you to break the news
or your teen may tell you themselves.
It is important to try and find out the reason for your teen
refusing to go to school. Ask them why they haven't been going to school and
see if they will tell you.
It may be that they are being bullied or they find the work
too hard. They may be bored.
Once you know the reason you are in a better position to be
able to help your teen. If they are being bullied try and find out the
circumstances and agree a course of action with your teen. They may wish you to
contact the school on their behalf to let the school know what is happening or
they may wish to deal with the problem themselves but feel better knowing that
you are there and that you support them. They may feel more willing to go into
school once they have shared their worries with you.
On the other hand they may refuse to let you know why they
are not going to school.
They may tell you later. Try to remain calm and patient so
that they know you are there for them.
Your teenager needs to know that if school refusing becomes
too much of a problem the school will get involved and may call in an
Educational Welfare Officer to monitor their attendance.
You can run the risk of getting fined and your teenager needs
to know this.
83. Clothes:
Some teenagers are very interested in clothes. They spend
hours researching the latest trend in magazines and spend their available money
on buying the seasons fashions.
This can be fun and they can get a lot of satisfaction
wearing clothes that suit them but some teenagers become obsessed by clothes
and will not go out unless they are wearing clothes that they think make them
look good. It is important that your teen learns that there are other things in
life that matter and that while new clothes are nice they should only buy what
they can easily afford. It does not make sense getting into debt in order to
buy new clothes.
It is possible to buy clothes from charity shops and adapt them to make them look more
fashionable. If your teen is creative they may be able to make their own
clothes or maybe you can make them an outfit?
Making clothes can be fun. Knitting and sewing are useful
skills to develop. Being able to take up a hem or sew on a button is very
helpful. Take the time to show your teen how to make simple clothes repairs
will help them to be more independent and save money. If they can make minor
adjustments on clothes such as putting up or taking down a hem they will be
able to customise clotes to suit them.
84. Competition:
Some competition in life can be good. We all get plenty of
experience of winning and losing in life and competing with others can be fun.
At other times competition can be less productive.
We all have our own unique gifts and talents and there are
things that we are not very good at. Some people seem to specialise in one
thing that they are good at and other people are known as good all-rounders but
are not particularly outstanding at any one thing.
Knowing and celebrating what you are good at is fun and
rewarding but it is also good to work on areas where we require improvement.
If your teen is quite competitive then this can be encouraged
providing it has a positive effect on them. Some teenagers become obsessed with
competing with their peers and forget that a lot can be gained through
cooperation and collaboration in place of competition.
Challenging yourself to beat your own personal best at sport
can be very rewarding. If we teach our teens to strive to be the best that they
can be they are likely to take pride in their achievements.
Being good at something takes work. It is good to encourage
your teen to work at things in order to improve.
You can model this by learning new skills yourself. If your
teen is able to watch you trying something new, working to improve and
succeeding this is likely to foster a good mental attitude in your teen too.
85. Someone To Talk To:
Most of us benefit from having a small number of people we
know that we can confide in. We trust that they will listen to us, not judge us
and that they will not breach our confidences. If your teen does not have this
they may feel rather insecure and uncertain in life. Show them that they can
trust and rely on you by listening carefully to them and by not judging them.
There is a lot to be gained by both teen and parents or
carers if they can build their relationship to one of mutual trust and respect.
Encourage your teen to become the kind of person others will
trust and depend on. Being a good listener and being non-judgemental are
positive qualities that we can all work on and develop. Your teen may know of
someone at their school who is lonely. If they can take time out of their own
life to smile and be friendly to this person they have the capacity to enhance
the lives of those around them and this can only be a good thing.
86. Self Help Groups:
Sometimes your teen may struggle to feel heard and understood
despite your best efforts. While some teens find it easy to talk about their
challenges and anxieties to family members, others struggle with this and can
feel isolated. This can be particularly true if their friends do not share
their fears and anxieties. Your teen may suffer from a specific problem or
issue and may benefit greatly from joining a self-help group where other people
know what they are going thtough..
These groups can be extremely effective at supporting people
providing the advice they offer is well balanced and helpful. A small number of
self help groups can lose perspective and offer few solutions. In these
instances the self help group can make the situation worse.
There is a lot of on-line self help available. This can be
extremely helpful for people who do not wish to travel long distances as help
is available at the touch of a button. There are also phone-lines and email
addresses available that offer support. Many self-help type sites are run by
people who understand what your teen is going through as they have had similar
experiences in their own lives. Some of these sites also offer advice to
friends and family members as it can be very hard if you have a friend or
relation that you would like to help but you just can't seem to find the right
words or the right advice to really help them.
As with anything new, look into self help groups carefully
before getting involved with them to ensure that they are able to offer the
support that is right for you or your teen.
87. Useful Websites:
Most of us have The Internet available to us in our homes. This means that we have access to
websites that specialise in just about anything that you can imagine.
A simple search on Google or any other search engine by
putting relevant keywords into your browser and pressing enter can reveal just
about anything you want to know.
With so much available at our fingertips, our task is to
ensure that the information that we are accessing is up to date and accurate.
As with any source of information we need to make sure that we are confident
that what we are being told is accurate and helpful. This is a very important
skill to pass on to your teen. Just because you read something on a website it
doesn't mean that it is true. Anyone can create a website and providing the
content does not breach international laws the site can remain on the web
available for anyone to access. This can be wonderful as it means we can all
freely share our ideas and news but this also means that some unscrupulous
people can do the same. Remind your teen to keep themselves safe when using the
Internet. If they are paying for goods via websites then ask them to check that
the site is secure before going ahead.
88. House Rules:
Every household sees things differently. We are all unique.
What I believe to be acceptable behaviour for my teen may be seen as
unacceptable to you. Providing we don't break the law we are free to bring up
our teens in the way we see fit. This puts us in a very responsible position as
we have enormous influence over our children despite what we may sometimes think.
Some decisions are easy. We may have a rule that nobody is
allowed to smoke in our house and this rule can be relatively easy to enforce
but some rules can be more controversial.
If you have a partner you may not necessarily share their
view about what rules should or should not be enforced in your home. If you are
not united in your approach this can be very confusing for your teen. If you do
have a difference of opinion around certain
things that you both believe to be important it is very helpful if you
can discuss this calmly out of earshot from your teen so that you can come to
an agreement and present a united front to your teen.
Even if you do not have a partner, it can be hard to decide which rules to enforce
and which rules to relax as your teen grows older. They will no doubt tell you
that everyone else's parents let them do the very thing that you are trying to
prevent them from doing and this can make it very difficult to stick to what
you have said.
It is good to decide on a few simple non negotiable rules and
then you can afford to be more flexible with some of the other rules. It can be
helpful to discuss the house rules with your teen and negotiate on them so that
everyone in the house has had the opportunity to share their point of view
before final decisions are made. It is also helpful to discuss and agree
consequences for when the rules are broken. Providing your teen is clear on
what the rules of your house are and they know the consequences for breaking
those rules you are in a good position to move forward.
It is a good idea to regularly review your rules. As they
grow your teen is likely to become more trustworthy and responsible so you can
consider relaxing some rules. In some cases your teen may enter a period of
risk taking and rebelliousness. At these times you may need to make your rules
firmer until they have learned the consequences of their actions.
If you feel you have got it wrong, don't be afraid to admit
it. Tell your teen if you think you have been too lenient or too strict. They
need to know that you are not perfect and that we all make mistakes.
89. Values:
Your values are your judgement on what is important in life.
They may not be the same as other family members. When your values clash with
your teenager's values this can create problems. If you think sharing is very
important and your teen is reluctant to share their things with others this can
disappoint you. If you are an active participant in the life of your local church
but your teen says they don't believe in God, this can also be upsetting.
If your teen acts in a way that comes into direct conflict
with your values and beliefs about life this can be very hard to accept. It is
important to remember that everyone is entitled to their opinion and that it is
perfectly fine for us all to hold different values providing we don't
negatively affect other people by holding the views that we do.
It can be very worrying if you believe that your teen is
mixing with people who do not share your values but discriminate and treat
others unfairly.
If this is a concern for you remember that your teen is far
more likely to listen to you if you speak calmly to them and listen to what
they have to say. It is also important to make sure you have the facts before
criticising your teenager's friends.
Just because the local
gossip seems to suggest that your teens associates are a bad influence does not
mean that they are. Be prepared to listen to them. If they are willing to talk
and respond fairly to you this could indicate that thee are not as unreasonable
as people have suggested.
If you do have evidence that they are acting unlawfully then
you do need to communicate clearly and firmly to your teen. Point out the
dangers of them following this particular crowd. Be prepared to consult the
police if they behaviour is putting your teen at risk of law breaking.
Our values can change as we grow and as we have new
experiences. As we get older many of us find our values more closely match our
parents than when we were younger.
You may find that as your teen gets older they are more
willing to listen and respond to you when you explain your values. Actions
speak louder than words too. If you live your life and stick to your values you
may well find that your teen will admire you for this and they may start to
share your views more. Equally if you begin to realise that you no longer hold
certain values it is good to be honest and admit this. Your teen is likely to
have respect for you if you are flexible and show that you are willing to
listen to people and learn from them.
90. Encouragement:
When children go to school they listen carefully to what
everyone says about them. At a very young age if their teacher tells them they
are no good at something they are likely to start to believe this for themselves.
Unfortunately we are far more likely to listen to and believe
negative criticism than we are likely to absorb positive praise.
This means that parents, carers and anyone who works with children
need to be aware of their influence over children.
If you wish to influence someone positively, you need to
offer far more praise then blame. Young children who behave well in class are
often left to get on with things while children who do the wrong thing become
the prime focus of the teacher and their assistants. This can lead to some
children concluding that if they wish for attention they need to behave badly.
All children benefit from other people noticing them doing
something well and being praised for this. If this happens frequently they are
likely to have robust self-esteem and
will be more able to listen to and accept occasional negative criticism when it
is required.
This is possibly even more relevant for teenagers. Some teens
feel that they are only noticed or spoken to by an adult when they are doing
the wrong thing. If they feel constantly criticised by parents, carers and
teachers they are likely to stop listening to them.
One of the most important things that you can do to help your
teen is to encourage them to do their best and try new things. Praise any
attempts that they make to improve in some way and celebrate these attempts
even when they fail.
If you never fail the chances are you are not trying
something that challenges you enough. Your teen needs to know this and get used
to getting things wrong and messing up, safe in the knowledge that you are
there to help them get back on their feet when they fall so that they can try
again.
91. Dreams:
It is so important to have dreams. What are your dreams? If
you haven't got any now, think back to a time when you did. What did you want
to be when you grew up? Who did you want to meet and where did you wish to
travel?
Some of us have dreams for our children. We have clear ideas on what we would like
them to be and the kind of life that we would like them to lead but we have
given up on our own dreams. We might even think it is childish and unrealistic
to have dreams once we become adults. If this it the case then how can be expect
our children to have dreams, goals and ambitions if they don't see us striving
to achieve our own dreams?
If you haven't got a goal or a dream right now then I urge
you to stop reading this. Don't read on until you have Made a list of the
things that you like doing and decide on something that you would like to
achieve. Work out the steps needed to achieve your goal and work on it a little
every day. Share your dream with your teen and before you know it they are
likely to be encouraging you to achieve your dream. Once you set an excellent
example like this you are in a position to encourage your teen to have their
own dreams and to share their dreams with you. They can identify the steps
needed to achieve their dream and you can help them by celebrating their
successes and encouraging them through their failures.
As Walt Disney said, “If you can dream it, you can do it!”
92. Apologising:
It is very hard to say sorry when we make a mistake but if we
never do this, how can we expect our teens to do this when they get things
wrong?
If you model this in your own life by taking responsibility
and offering a sincere apology when you get things wrong then your teen is more
likely to feel that they can do the same when they make a mistake.
It I also important to be willing to forgive people who have
wronged us particularly when they have
apologised.
It can be hard to forgive someone when we feel wronged but
when we truly forgive someone it releases our feelings of anger and resentment
leaving us free to get on with our lives so in reality forgiving others
benefits us at least as much as the person who has apologised.
It is important to teach your teen that when we are truly
sorry for what we have done, we do not
keep repeating our mistakes. We learn from them and adapt our behaviour to
minimise the risk of our getting things wrong again.
We also need to model this. If we jump to conclusions and
blame our teen for doing something wrong and then we apologise once we realise
we were wrong then it is important to be less swift to judge our teen in
future. We must remember our mistake and learn from it by checking we have the
facts before accusing our teen of doing something. Before making judgements we
must be prepared to listen carefully to
their explanation. We may have got it wrong.
If our teen observes that we get things wrong sometimes but
we apologise and adapt our behaviour as we learn from our mistakes then they
are more likely to do this too. It is important that we act as positive
role-models for our teen so they know what to do when things go wrong.
They learn far more from observing what we do than listening
to what we say.
93. Holidays:
Going on holiday with your teen can be challenging or it can
be pleasurable. A lot depends on what your teen enjoys doing and what you like
doing too.
If you both like going on adventure holidays then a summer
spent at an adventure centre is likely to be popular with you both but if you
like long country walks while your teen loves shopping then your family holiday
is less likely to be a pleasure unless a compromise can be reached.
It may be that you can take your teen on your camping holiday
and they will enjoy it safe in the knowledge that you are all going shopping
one day in the middle of the week or they may enjoy the holiday far more if
they can bring a friend along.
As with all things, if you consider the needs and wishes of
everyone involved before booking your holiday then it is more likely that
everyone will enjoy themselves.
It may be that your teen has reached an age where you feel
that you can trust them to be left at home while you go on holiday. It maybe
you have friend or family member that
can look in on them while you are away. Only you know if this approach is right
for your teen. Some teens cope well with being left on their own while others
may become scared or abuse the situation by throwing a huge house party while
you are away.
The NSPCC offers sensible advice on when it is safe to leave
your teen home alone as there is no set law on this.
Some teens wish to go on holiday with their friends. While
you may be happy for this to happen, some organisations such as some holiday
camp-sites do not allow this so before booking a holiday check the terms and
conditions.
We are all unique. What is right for some of us may not work
for others. Your teen may be very independent and may thrive when they are left
alone while others may panic if you are not there to support them if things go
wrong.
94. Relatives:
Some teens have a large family and regular contact with their
extended family. They may see a lot of their aunts, uncles and cousins, for
example.
Other teens may live with a lone parent and have no other
relatives.
Some teens may have a lot of relatives but not get on with
them while others can become best friends with their cousins or siblings.
Our families are unique. The relationship we have with our
family may well influence the relationship our teen has with other family
members.
Some teenagers find it a lot easier to talk to their aunt,
uncle or grandparents than their own parents. This can be hurtful for parents
but if you think about it, the other relatives are not so closely involved so
they can be more relaxed in their approach with your teen.
Providing they are not undermining you and they let you know
if there is anything worrying your teen that you need to be made aware of then
it can be very positive to encourage your teen to confide in them.
Some teens live with a step-parent. This relationship can be
extremely positive but in some cases it can be very difficult.
Some family members may not approve of your lifestyle or that
of your teen. This can be difficult for all concerned.
If people are able to be civil and listen to one another
carefully then many differences and disagreements can be dealt with effectively
but in some families, emotions can run high and conflicts can occur.
Where possible try not to involve your teen in family
squabbles. It can be tempting to complain to them about your difficult
relatives but once the dispute is settled it can be hard for your teen to move
forward.
95. Protests:
We all have our personal views on what is wrong and what is
right in the world and how our country should be run. Sometimes we are in
agreement with our government and sometimes we disagree strongly.
If we disagree with something strongly enough we may protest.
Protests can include signing a petition or attending a
demonstration in a public place. Some protests are peaceful while others can
become violent.
Sometimes our teen agrees with our views and sometimes they
don't. Sometimes they agree with our government and sometimes they don't.
What we do when we disagree with something varies greatly.
Some of us protest and others worry that if we attend a demonstration we will
get into trouble.
If our teen wants to attend a demonstration and we do not
share their view or we are concerned that they will get into trouble this
situation can be difficult to handle.
Talk to your teen calmly and listen to their views. If they
do wish to attend a demonstration find out what you can about this protest and
the organisers. If you believe the protest to be lawful and well organised then
talk to your teen about how they can keep themselves safe if things go wrong.
Do they have a fully charged mobile phone that can be used in case of emergency.
What will they do if they get separated from their friends etc.
If you believe the protest is likely to become dangerous and
unlawful you need to calmly point out the risk and the likely consequences of
getting involved.
96. Rights And Responsibilities:
Citizens of any country have rights as well as
responsibilities. As members of a particular family we also have rights and
responsibilities. Part of a parent or carers role is to teach their teen their
rights and responsibilities. We all give and take in life. At times we need to
be cared for and at other times we are in a position to care for others. Our
rights and responsibilities vary according to where we live in the world. This
is a subject that is discussed in school. It is discussed in Citizenship lessons. It is also important to
talk with your child about rights and responsibilities at home. If you hold
balanced discussions about this subject as your teen grows then you are in a
good position to raise any concerns you have if you feel they are not behaving
responsibly. If your teen feels that you
will listen to them they are more likely to maturely discuss this subject with
you than if you never discuss what is fair and unfair about life.
If your teen is aware of how lucky they are to have the right
to safe clean housing and fresh water, for example, they are more likely to
appreciate what they do have and to respect the rights of their friends and
neighbours too.
97. Doing What We Love:
We all have talents. It can be hard to work out what they are
sometimes.
For some of us it is obvious what we are good at. We may be
excellent at singing or sport, for example. Some people have a good range of
talents and so it can be hard for them to decide what they wish to focus on.
Many people flourish when they are able to use their talents
in order to earn a living. Doing what we love and what we are good at can give
us a tremendous sense of purpose.
If your teen is good at something but you want them to follow
in your footsteps and run your family business this can create a dilemma for
them. They may wish to please you but have a desire to take up a different
career, for example.
You may have a strong feeling that your teenager would be
good at something and you may encourage them to take this up as a career but if
their heart isn't in it this may not necessarily be for the best.
If someone is good at something and they love doing it they
are likely to apply themselves and this will make them more likely to succeed.
It is important to research and see what career choices there
are out there. Once your teen knows what jobs are available they can explore
necessary training.
It is a very difficult time for parents and carers when they
teenager has grown up enough to make their own decisions but if you have spent
time listening to your child and respecting their decisions they are likely to
be willing to listen fully to your point of view before reaching a decision
that they believe is right for them. Knowing that they have your support and encouragement
in all that they do is likely to increase their chances of success.
98. Illness:
Dealing with serious illness can be very difficult for teens.
It may be that they develop a serious illness or that they are struggling to
cope with a life threatening illness experienced by a close friend or family
member.
It can be very upsetting for parents and carers if their teen
develops a serious illness. They can feel helpless as their teen fails to
respond to treatment, for example. At these times it is important that their
teen has access to the right help and support. It may be that they need
counselling, for example.
In addition, you may require additional help and support
yourself when you are dealing with a teen who is seriously ill.
Each area has its own unique services so it is a good idea to
find out what help is available in your local area. There are also very useful
websites available that can offer additional advice and support.
Sometimes it is not your teen that is ill. It may be that you
or another family member becomes ill and your teen may struggle to cope with
this. Again, local services may be able to help. Online support may be available and there are organisations such
as Child-line who can point your teen in the right direction so that they can
receive the support that they need.
Whatever your individual circumstances, if you can take time
to listen to one another and be there for each other you will be in the best
possible position to deal with what lies ahead.
99. Image:
Image can be very important to teenagers. How they come
across to others can really matter to them. The way they look, the way they
dress and the way they style their hair can be very important.
The image of teenagers can be portrayed very negatively by The
Media.
If your teen looks one way you can worry that people may get
the wrong impression of them and that this lay lead to problems in school or it
may reduce their chance of getting employment.
Your teen may wish to have tattoos and piercings on their
face while you may worry that allowing this will limit their future choices.
Some school and work places have strict rules about appearances and dress code
while others are more flexible.
If you are worried about the image that your teen is putting
across, talk to them. Let them know your concerns but allow them the chance to
respond. It may be that they are able to put your mind at rest if they are able
to let you know that they have fully considered their actions before going
ahead. They need to be able to make the right decision for them. It may be that
the type of place where there is a strict dress code may not be right for them
if they are unconventional in their interests and views, for example. The
parent/carer role can be difficult at times when our teens are old enough to
make and stand by their own decisions. Sometimes we may approve of their
choices and at other times we disapprove but as long as they know we love them
and are there for them they are likely to become secure and well-balanced adults.
100. Support:
We all need help and support at certain times of our lives.
Your teen is no exception. At some points in life they may be confident, happy
and successful while at other times when things go wrong they may need someone
to be there to listen to them, to be a shoulder to cry on until they are ready
to pick themselves up and move forward once more.
If you can develop the habit of listening to your child when
they are young, you will be in the best possible position to help them as they
grow.
We all need to feel listened to. In many ways we need this
more than people giving us advice or instructions on what to do. Teens respond
very well to being listened to. Even when you have to let them know that they
have done something wrong, they are much more likely to respond positively to
you if they know that you will listen to what they have to say before jumping
to conclusions.
Teenagers benefit greatly from the support of an
understanding parent or carer.
They know that you will sometimes tell them when they are
wrong. You will sometimes apply sanctions so that they understand the
consequences of their actions but if you listen to them fully they will learn
to listen and respond to you.
Part of a parent or carers role is knowing when to ask for
help. You may decide that you need advice before you can support your teen
properly or you may be struggling with something yourself and therefore you
require additional support yourself.
Part of being a good parent is knowing when you need support
yourself. Other family members and friends can sometimes really help you with
this but at other times it can be very useful having someone neutral to talk to
and work with in order to help you to become clear on what actions you need to
take to support yourself and your family.
A life coach can be very useful here as they listen to you
and help you to find appropriate solutions to your challenges.
If you would like to find out more about life coaching or you
have any comments or questions that you would like to ask then please email me:
cathee@hotmail.co.uk
and I will get back to you as soon as I can.
Enjoy your child's teenage years. They can be some of the
most challenging yet exciting years of all !
