88. House Rules:
People in every household sees things
differently. We are all unique. What I believe to be acceptable
behaviour for my teen may be seen as unacceptable to you. Providing
we don't break the law we are free to bring up our teens in the way
we see fit. This puts us in a very responsible position as we have
enormous influence over our children despite what we may sometimes
think.
Some decisions are easy. We may have a
rule that nobody is allowed to smoke in our house and this rule can
be relatively easy to enforce but some rules can be more
controversial.
If you have a partner you may not
necessarily share their view about what rules should or should not be
enforced in your home. If you are not united in your approach this
can be very confusing for your teen. If you do have a difference of
opinion around certain things that you both believe to be important
it is very helpful if you can discuss this calmly out of earshot from
your teen so that you can come to an agreement and present a united
front to your teen.
Even if you do not have a partner, it
can be hard to decide which rules to enforce and which rules to relax
as your teen grows older. They will no doubt tell you that everyone
else's parents let them do the very thing that you are trying to
prevent them from doing and this can make it very difficult to stick
to what you have said.
It is good to decide on a few simple
non negotiable rules and then you can afford to be more flexible with
some of the other rules. It can be helpful to discuss the house rules
with your teen and negotiate on them so that everyone in the house
has had the opportunity to share their point of view before final
decisions are made. It is also helpful to discuss and agree
consequences for when the rules are broken. Providing your teen is
clear on what the rules of your house are and they know the
consequences for breaking those rules, you are in a good position to
move forward.
It is a good idea to regularly review
your rules. As they grow your teen is likely to become more
trustworthy and responsible so you can consider relaxing some rules.
In some cases your teen may enter a period of risk taking and
rebelliousness. At these times you may need to make your rules firmer
until they have learned the consequences of their actions.
If you feel you have got it wrong,
don't be afraid to admit it. Tell your teen if you think you have
been too lenient or too strict. They need to know that you are not
perfect and that we all make mistakes.
89. Values:
Your values are your judgement on what
is important in life. They may not be the same as other family
members. When your values clash with your teenager's values this can
create problems. If you think sharing is very important and your teen
is reluctant to share their things with others this can disappoint
you. If you are an active participant in the life of your local
church but your teen says they don't believe in God, this can also be
upsetting.
If your teen acts in a way that comes
into direct conflict with your values and beliefs about life, this can
be very hard to accept. It is important to remember that everyone is
entitled to their opinion and that it is perfectly fine for us all to
hold different values providing we don't negatively affect other
people by holding the views that we do.
It can be very worrying if you believe
that your teen is mixing with people who do not share your values but
discriminate and treat others unfairly.
If this is a concern for you remember
that your teen is far more likely to listen to you if you speak
calmly to them and listen to what they have to say. It is also
important to make sure you have the facts before criticising your
teenager's friends.
Just because the local gossip seems to
suggest that your teens associates are a bad influence does not mean
that they are. Be prepared to listen to them. If they are willing to
talk and respond fairly to you this could indicate that they are not
as unreasonable as people have suggested.
If you do have evidence that they are
acting unlawfully then you do need to communicate clearly and firmly
to your teen. Point out the dangers of them following this particular
crowd. Be prepared to consult the police if they behaviour is putting
your teen at risk of law breaking.
Our values can change as we grow and as
we have new experiences. As we get older many of us find our values
more closely match our parents than when we were younger.
You may find that as your teen gets
older they are more willing to listen and respond to you when you
explain your values. Actions speak louder than words too. If you live
your life and stick to your values you may well find that your teen
will admire you for this and they may start to share your views more.
Equally if you begin to realise that you no longer hold certain
values it is good to be honest and admit this. Your teen is likely to
have respect for you if you are flexible and show that you are
willing to listen to people and learn from them.
90. Encouragement:
When children go to school they listen
carefully to what everyone says about them. At a very young age if
their teacher tells them they are no good at something they are
likely to start to believe this for themselves.
Unfortunately we are far more likely to
listen to and believe negative criticism than we are likely to absorb
positive praise.
This means that parents, carers and
anyone who works with children need to be aware of their influence
over children.
If you wish to influence someone
positively, you need to offer far more praise then blame. Young
children who behave well in class are often left to get on with
things while children who do the wrong thing become the prime focus
of the teacher and their assistants. This can lead to some children
concluding that if they wish for attention they need to behave badly.
All children benefit from other people
noticing them doing something well and being praised for this. If
this happens frequently they are likely to have robust self-esteem
and will be more able to listen to and accept occasional negative
criticism when it is required.
This is possibly even more relevant for
teenagers. Some teens feel that they are only noticed or spoken to by
an adult when they are doing the wrong thing. If they feel constantly
criticised by parents, carers and teachers they are likely to stop
listening to them.
One of the most important things that
you can do to help your teen is to encourage them to do their best
and try new things. Praise any attempts that they make to improve in
some way and celebrate these attempts even when they fail.
If you never fail the chances are you
are not trying something that challenges you enough. Your teen needs
to know this and get used to getting things wrong and messing up,
safe in the knowledge that you are there to help them get back on
their feet when they fall so that they can try again.
91. Dreams:
It is so important to have dreams. What
are your dreams? If you haven't got any now, think back to a time
when you did. What did you want to be when you grew up? Who did you
want to meet and where did you wish to travel?
Some of us have dreams for our
children. We have clear ideas on what we would like them to be and
the kind of life that we would like them to lead but we have given up
on our own dreams. We might even think it is childish and unrealistic
to have dreams once we become adults. If this it the case then how
can be expect our children to have dreams, goals and ambitions if
they don't see us striving to achieve our own dreams?
If you haven't got a goal or a dream
right now then I urge you to stop reading this. Don't read on until
you have made a list of the things that you like doing and decide on
something that you would like to achieve. Work out the steps needed
to achieve your goal and work on it a little every day. Share your
dream with your teen and before you know it they are likely to be
encouraging you to achieve your dream. Once you set an excellent
example like this you are in a position to encourage your teen to
have their own dreams and to share their dreams with you. They can
identify the steps needed to achieve their dream and you can help
them by celebrating their successes and encouraging them through
their failures.
As Walt Disney said, “If you can
dream it, you can do it!”
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