56. Divorce:
Divorce can be a very painful
experience for everyone. The people splitting up are suffering and so
are their family and friends. Teenagers can find this particularly
hard as they may have taken their family life for granted, only to
discover that the family unit is breaking apart.
While it is impossible to completely
shield your teen from family break up you can do a lot to ease the
pain. Be honest with your teen. They are often very aware of any
tensions in the family and
they may well have heard the arguments.
They may not realise exactly what is happening and so they may be
trying to guess what the problem is and many may wrongly blame
themselves.
If you are splitting up with your
partner make sure that you both agree on what changes are going to
take place. One of you may be leaving the family home, for example.
If this is the case then make sure you break the news to your
teenager gently. Make clear exactly what will happen and how it will
affect them. Make sure you agree contact visits in advance so you can
communicate clearly to your teenager.
They are likely to be very upset and
could lash out in anger. Aim to contain their emotions by listening
to them and reassuring them that both parents still love them and
will continue to be there for them.
'Family Lives ' offers useful advice
and support to families going through this difficult stage.
It can be tempting to be critical about
the other parent to you teen but this puts unfair pressure on them as
they are likely to have divided loyalties. They love you but they
also love the other parent.
It can be very difficult when your
relationship ends, particularly if your ex-partner has treated you
unfairly. It may be that they are refusing to pay maintenance and
this could be leaving you in financial difficulty.
This may leave you feeling angry and
again, it is tempting to complain to your teen but this is not their
fault and it is not helpful to drag them into this situation.
If your ex-partner criticises you to
your teen this can make it even more tempting to retaliate by
pointing out their shortcomings to your teen. Try to avoid this as
your teenager needs to make their own mind up about their parents and
it is up to them if they wish to continue seeing both parents.
57. Moving House:
Many teenagers can find it hard to
adjust to the news that they are going to move house particularly if
this means that they will be moving out of the area where they grew
up to move far away from their friends. They may find it difficult to
make the transition to a new school, particularly if this is during
their exam years.
If the house-move cannot be avoided, it
is best to be honest with your teen. Make sure you give them all the
details that they will need including what the new home is like and
what their bedroom will be like. Arrange for them to visit the new
area before you move if at all possible. It would be very helpful for
them to visit their new school too. Once your teenager has the facts
they can put aside some of their fears.
You can encourage them to stay in touch
with close friends by allowing their old friends to visit your new
home. Your teenager is likely to feel reassured that they will still
be able to see them from time to time. They are likely to make new
friends pretty soon but catching up with old friends is likely to
reassure them in the early days.
It may be possible to keep your
teenager at their old school if they are in the middle of important
exams and then they can move schools once the exams are over.
If this is not possible then it would
be helpful for you to make contact with the new school to find out
what exam boards they use and how hard it will be for your teenager
to catch up on any work they have missed.
Your teenager may adjust very quickly
to their new life or they may take time to get used to new people and
places.
Talk to your teen and listen to what
they have to say. They will be able to let you know how they are
feeling and then you will be able to support them through any
difficulties that they are having with adjusting to their new life.
58. Self Harm:
It can be very shocking to discover
that your teenager has been self-harming. It is natural to want the
best for your child and to discover they are harming themselves can
be very hard to accept. It is also difficult to know what to do to
support them. There are many reasons why people self-harm so it is a
good idea not to try and guess the reason.
The NSPCC have a very useful website
that helps you to spot the signs and gives you tips on how to
approach the problem.
It also offers possible reasons for
this behaviour.
Many teenagers who self-harm don't
really know exactly why they do it but aim to release overwhelming
emotions that they have had difficulty dealing with.
Some teens who self-harm are also
depressed.
Whatever the reason for their behaviour
it is important to keep communicating with them. Listen to them. Try
not to judge them.
If they feel that you are genuinely
there to listen to them and that you accept them unconditionally,
this will help them to feel less isolated and can help them to begin
to find less damaging ways of releasing their painful emotions.
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